By Alfie Souter

Burnt corpses and toast.

She sat next to me and told me the words I had heard so many times before. That I was self centred, I lacked empathy that I didn’t care, are those led lights? Why do they have led lights right next to more traditional halogen blubs. FUCK. What was she saying? Oh yes that I don’t listen. Fair enough. 

I never disagreed with it when it was said to me before. The lost friends piling up like bodies in a plague pit. But I had become numb to burning the corpses. The smell no less strange than burnt toast.

This time however I did disagree. Because this past 3 months I feel I have made some meaningful change in myself. Flora said I would simply hear people (sometimes) make some changes, then forget and regress back into my old ways. I could do this because I had become numb to the consequences forever standing on the door step of my nuclear shelter knowing a quick 180 turn and frantic pressing of the keypad could take me to safety in seconds. I felt nothing could get to me in there.

But Marc smashed the door down pulled me up and blew the whole thing up. He told me it wasn’t acceptable to act the way I had been and he would kick me out of the school if I didn’t change. This was the shock I needed. It hit me like cold water and I finally woke up. I’m not sure how long I was numb for.

I was awake. So this time I didn’t hide in my shelter and tell Flora on the intercom I agreed. I sat opposite her and disagreed this time I had changed. This time I was prepared to say that I can be empathic, that I am trying to put people first, that I believe life has meaning and there is good in the world. 

She’s known me too long to take me at my word for it.

I’m going to do it anyway and if she’s still around to see it then all the better.