By Sam Collins

 

Buying a house with a tube map 

 

Since I spent all my money on avocados, I plan to rent a home for the rest of my life. 

 

What with this corona virus business, the bizarre state of international diplomacy and the fact that a two bed in Clapham Junction is going to set me back half a billion pounds, I don’t see the point in saving up to buy anything in this town until things have settled down. Until the housing market crashes like my cracked version of after effects.

 

*Disclaimer – that is not true* – Collins vs. Adobe 2020 – that’ll get me in the news. 

 

But I will be renting again soon. And advertising magician Rory Sutherland dropped in last week with a few handy tips on how to find a decent deal. 

 

So, as told to me by a man who has clearly thought about this quite a bit, I give you – ‘a guide to buying/renting’ bought to you by the genius of Rory Sutherland, scruffily recalled by me, Sam. 

 

Rory declined to comment for this SCAB and asked that I inform you that he will not be held liable for the actions of any readers as a consequence of the dissemination of this information. 

 

Rory’s Guide to Renting

 

1. What do you care about? 

If you’re a young couple, look for a block of flats without a lift – they put off families and anyone that can’t climb stairs. They also put off people that can climb stairs, but would rather live somewhere else than have to climb them – this means you’re unlikely to have any lazy people in your block. They’ll have chosen to save money and keep fit. They make excellent life decisions. They might come in handy one day. 

 

Next, if you like planes or have an excellent pair of noise cancelling headphones, go and live on a flight path. Simple. Genius. 

 

If you don’t usually have early nights, live by a pub that closes before midnight. Yuppies hate pubs which means won’t have Jared from WeWork trying to outbid you on Zoopla, or Cazoo, or wherever you kids are buying your houses from these days. 

 

2. Have you ever heard of Thameslink?

Rory: “The first thing I’d do if I was looking to buy in London now is get a copy of the tube map, and then find a place in an area that’s not on it.”

 

Aforementioned fictional/disgruntled millennial named Jared: “What do you mean Rory!? How ever will I get my folded bike to Old Street!?”

 

Rory: “Have you checked which areas are served by Thameslink? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HEARNE HILL IS!?”

 

*Jared, looking shocked retreats in to his soya flat white* 

 

3. Face the world – live on the ground floor 

This one is a bit of an ad lib because I’ve got another 70 words to write and Rory moved on after this to talk about bees – and how much he hates economists. 

 

So, living on the ground floor, you’re more likely to get broken in to. This means the value of the property falls. If you rate yourself with a baseball bat and watch enough Liam Neeson films (quick aside I hate Liam Neeson with a burning passion – how can you get taken four times?) Then perhaps it might be worth considering.