Emotional ups and downs 


3 months in and the course has started to get pretty intense, I’d say. Compared to what is expected of us in the future, comparatively it isn’t too stressful I guess, but compared to the beginning it is pretty busy. I really like the intensity (even if I don’t handle my time too well), but I also feel like this course is not only bringing out the good sides of yourself, but the bad ones as well.

Usually I am a positive person I’d say, even if I don’t feel as positive as people describe me.

I remember a conversation I once had with a lover who asked me why I am such a positive person and laugh so much, because an intensity like that usually comes from overcompensating something. I don’t even know if that’s true but I thought about it back then. I just fucking love laughing, but also if it’s influenced by something I would say it’s because I saw my mother cry a lot, which really isn’t a nice thing to watch. She is more of a negative person, so I guess that’s where my compensation comes from.

As positive as I seem, I also do feel like it a lot. Since I’m in London, I felt really really great. I’m doing things I love all the time, being challenged and with a bunch of supportive and lovely people. But since it gets tougher my usual mood swings have been getting more intense. My mood and emotions are so easily torn. Some days I am the happiest person you can imagine and feel just amazing. But some days I have really bad feelings, especially towards myself, and I don’t really know where they come from. Obviously they sometimes come on the days where I am not even a little bit satisfied with the work I did, or the effort I put in. Rarely from critique from the outside, more from the inside. But very often when I feel really bad I don’t know where the feelings come from. Nothing in particular happened.

As some girls may can relate, I now find myself more often wondering if I will start my period soon just to have an explanation for my mood swings.


I guess just the pressure you put on yourself together with not enough sleep, which I have to work on, combined with a bit of frustration makes your feelings more intense.

But still I would love to know how to deal better with my mood swings and why I go from overwhelming feelings of happiness to the need to cry because I’m feeling literally like a piece of shit.

What I really appreciate is being surrounded by people who can relate to stuff like this and openly talk about it. This makes it so much more comfortable and myself much more relaxed.

To start working on my moods I really want to try to work on my body. I feel weirdly disconnected from it. I eat shit loads of trash food and do not feel fed up anymore, I do not do any sport or movement. I read in an article that 10% of serotonin – which helps to regulate mood – is produce in the brain and the the other 90% in the stomach. So beginning to take care of what I eat again would be a good start. And except from that I guess a resume of this little reflection for me is to finally start practicing mindfulness regularly.