Football Fans – By @joeyfraser95

By Joe Fraser


Football Fans


I’ve come to the conclusion that football fans are the BEST fans of any sport – ever!


That’s right.




This isn’t a trick to say “oops! I meant Aussie rules” or “obviously I meant rugby football”. I mean balls to the foot, racist, angry, violent, drunk football fans.


But, obviously, not for any of that stuff.


I mean it because of just how funny they are. If you were to make a comedy out of the shit that comes out of football fans’ mouth it’d be a hit on Channel 4 and start a modestly popular podcast series. Probably hosted by Jack Whitehall or James Corden or another wanker.


Either way, I thought I’d just share my favourite quotes I’ve experienced at various locales: Stamford Bridge, White Hart Lane, Emirates etc etc


  1. “Facking Torres. Could’ve spent 50 million on a facking tumble dryer.”
  2. “Son, I don’t think I’m going to take you to The Bridge anymore. You’re just bad luck.” (His son looked about 6).
  3. Chelsea fans singing “UPTON PARK IS A SHITHOLE! UPTON PARK IS A SHITHOLE” followed by West Ham singing themselves “WE KNOW IT IS! WE KNOW IT IS!”
  4. A man was shouting like crazy at Liverpool fans once. Swears and everything. Someone else asks him to take it easy. He replies: “you know what? I’m sure they’re all lovely people. My cousin lives just by Liverpool. But just for today THEY’RE ALL FUCKING WANKERS!! GO HOME YOU SCOUSE PRICKS!”
  5. “If we score I’ll get circumcised. Again.”
  7. “HE’S GOT A PLANT POT ON HIS HEAD! HE’S GOT A PLANT POT ON HIS HEAD!” Cue a fan running up to a steward a popping a plant pop on his head.


That’s just a few I could think of off the top of my head. But for every positive football match, there’s always a negative. For every yin there’s a yang. For every well meaning Derek, there’s an idiot called Eric. I mean, before I even go on you can imagine what I’ve heard at games being a Chelsea fan.


Weirdly enough, never in the stadium but walking to and from the game you hear some seriously shitty things fans say. I saw recently Raheem Sterling pushing for bigger punishments for abusive fans at games. Regardless of what side of the pitch they’re sitting on. I can only imagine what it’s like being a minority on the pitch or in the crowd at football games in other countries.


So as much as I’ve had fond memories of going to football games, I can’t deny the problems that are there too. I’m not entirely sure what the solution to this crisis is really. Its inherent in the culture and also the history of the sport itself to have these problems with the fans. One is easy to change, one isn’t. Maybe by changing the now and shaming the past problems we can make football fans the funniest fans in the world.


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