By Gigi Rice

 

I hate charity. 

 

I hate certain charities. I really really do. In fact, I purely hate them for one reason solely. 

 

When they hire out-of-work actors and make them stop you in the street. 

 

Honestly, who of you is actually authorising this to go ahead, it is the deadest and most counterproductive tactic known to man. 

 

 

I purposefully attempt to dodge, swerve and disengage with any charity street person that I smell coming. 

It’s an awful sales tactic, you’ve turned your key audience against you. 

 

Also, fun fact, the people you hire to shove your wares into poor passersby, actually make relatively decent money. Usually around 12 quid an hour which is significantly more than waitressing or standard babysitting and well above the minimum national wage. 

 

But, what return do they actually reap for the charity? Is it just a an utter waste of time? 

 

I’d like to argue that mostly YES. 

 

But my dear charity friends, I am not against you. The causes and values you stand for, I stand alongside. Therefore here are some ideas of mine to help you raise money on the street in a way that is more pleasant and engaging. 

 

 

1. Puppy petting. 

 

 

Simple. Bring a horde of puppies. Get people to make a donation to pet them and make them sign up to the mailing list. Boom. 

 

 

2. Christmas/seasonal float 

 

People like shiny, sparkly things, make a Christmas/seasonal float and drive it around with a donations welcome pocket on the side. Also maybe drive it around the same area and let children’s parents pay money for their spawn to get on the float and sit in the “driving” seat or whatever for ten minutes as you cruise around the block. Big buck earner. 

 

 

3. Don’t make tat. 

 

The whole, sign up with us and we will send you a free whale toy- ICK. Stop filling peoples houses up with crap, make something actually needed or wanted and eco friendly. What about a whale printed eco keep cup? If that’s too expensive, which it probably will be, then what about a beautifully designed bag for life. 

 

 

 

4. Charity brand placements in media 

 

Agree with a broadcasting platform that your charity (eg: NSPCC), gets used in some form in their programmes. An example of this would be a current teen drama like Skins having a big emotional moment to do with child abuse where they call the NSPCC hotline (however brief) or even the lead character wearing a NSPCC enamel badge as part of their costume. These broadcasters make big money, hold them accountable for doing their part of good in the world. 

 

 

Those are my initial ideas pals. I’m sure I’ll submit this SCAB and then classically, immediately come up with more. Anyone else have that habit? But I guess for now, here is Gigi Rice’s attempt at improving the world without pissing off people. Don’t get me wrong, some people deserve and need to be pissed off but not people who are just trying to get from Sainsbury’s to John Lewis.