Insanity

During lockdown… or are we still locked down? Who knows anymore. Regardless, during lockdown I felt that my family as well as myself started to embody some of the items around the house. 

My little brother was a box of Shreddies. He ate a ginormous bowl of Shreddies every morning and every evening. We always had to have at least three boxes of Shreddies in the cupboard as the risk of running out would send him into turmoil and desperation. 

My other brother personified the Headspace app, mediating at least once a day. Most likely to try and escape the crazy household he was now chained to for the foreseeable future. 

My Dad could be located at all times from the honey trails he left around the house from his regular midnight snack. One that was probably needed to soothe him back to sleep after his usual coronavirus nightmare where he once again forgets his mask to the supermarket. 

My Mum was a gin and tonic which was needed at the end of the day, sometimes earlier, to stop herself from tearing down the house as it all just seemed like too much to handle from the minute the word lockdown came into play. 

I embodied the Thermomix. For any of you who have never heard of a Thermomix it is one of the greatest creations that has ever existed. It is a device that does EVERYTHING. It is your ultimate kitchen gadget. The Thermomix can make everything from ice cream to risottos, jams to milkshakes, pizza dough to fishcakes. It heats up, it cools down, it kneads, it steams, you name it and it can do it. It chops, blends, grates and it even washes itself. The Thermomix saved my life.

As one of the few people in my house without a job it became my responsibility to feed everyone at least twice a day. You might ask why my family couldn’t at least make themselves lunch so that I would only have to make one main meal but this is what would happen if everyone was left to their own devices. My youngest brother would eat roasted marshmallows done over the hob. My other brother would have breakfast for lunch. My Dad wouldn’t eat and then be hungry for dinner at 4pm and my Mum would scream ‘I’M STARVING’ down the stairs before flipping a switch if lunch wasn’t ready almost immediately. So yes to avoid conflict I cooked both lunch and dinner every day. 

As you can imagine this was not a simple task. My family are very difficult. They are incredibly picky and two meals would often turn into 10. After about two months of cooking almost every day I decided I would be extra generous one week and ask everyone individually what they would ideally want for dinner. I spent a couple of hours meal planning and doing the shopping accordingly. I was positive that this would be the week that I would not suffer any complaints and that everyone’s plates would be licked clean. 

To start with my younger brother asked for teriyaki salmon, coconut rice and asparagus with butter and salt. As I came downstairs to begin making this meal I noticed that he had put on a pan of water to boil for pasta. I told him calmly that I was making his chosen dinner and that it would be ready very soon. He protested and said that, HE WAS HUNGRY!

My Mum chose an aubergine melanzane. I had never heard of this before. I asked her that day if she was excited to eat her chosen meal. She turned round and said ‘why are you making that, no one likes aubergine but me’. I explained to her that this was the meal that she had chosen, to which she responded that she thought that when I asked her what she wanted to eat that week, she didn’t actually think I would make it. 

Lastly my Dad requested that none of his meals had any cheese in them as they were ‘heavy on his chest’. God knows what that means. This ruled out most of the leftovers I had spent hours cooking the week before and were now going to rot in the fridge. 

In conclusion, my kind gesture turned into having to convince one person to eat the meal they’d chosen, making a hypothetical meal choice for another and all the other food going to waste. 

Lockdown really has taught me how to be more patient, accommodating, executive in my decision making and how to run a house hold… only joking, I am still pulling my hair out.