By Eva Menovsky

 

JUUL

 

I met Juul at my high school. 

We were never friends tough. We hung out in different groups at school. 

 

At the end of my second year, I failed an exam. So I had to do a re-over, she did as well. This exam determined whether we would get our degree or not. 

We lived right next door, so we travelled together to the south of the Netherlands to take part in a study group. 

The course was 5 days and over the days we talked a lot. Had dinner together, and found the similarities that we shared. Mostly our obsession with pizza and pineapple.

 

We became close. Over the next couple of months, we hung out every single day. 

We painted, we wii-ed, we went into the bath together and we stayed over at each other most nights. 

When I left to study in Denmark for a couple of months, we wrote letters to each other every week. 

 

She was simple, yet spiritual, funny and honest.

She was at ease with the world, in ways I never understood. 

When I was with her, I felt safe and peaceful.

In some ways, she understood me better than any of my other friends.

And especially at that time, she was the only one I told everything to, even the dark stuff. 

 

After Denmark, we travelled in Thailand together for a month. Most of the time we talked about life, we laid on the beach and we pied our pants of all the laughter. We didn’t even fight once.

When you travel together in another country, just the two of you, you get to know the person in a different, yet extraordinary way. 

 

Sadly, at some point, we grew apart after. 

When I look back, I don’t even remember what it was. 

 

So when Marc gave us the assignment to call a long lost friend, I knew who to call.

 

We decided to meet up for coffee. Immediately it felt like we’ve never been apart. 

We talked about the past three years and I felt calm again, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

Our memories flew back to me, like a movie and our separation suddenly made sense at the time. 

 

She used to always ask me – why do you always get so mad at the world?

 

Until that moment, I never really thought about it. I didn’t even feel like I was mad. 

But I have been and I sometimes still are.

 

I used to feel like, I needed to make a change. I used to pull and push to make that happen, 

But that’s not how it works. You can’t push and pull on change. You have to change yourself and your behaviour first and show alternatives, then you might give people and the world the strength to change.

I was mad at the world for so long, of the people that hurt others or didn’t care, the selfish and greedy ones, and how the world sometimes shows you, how cruel it can be. 

 

But she was at ease despite all of that. She could separate those things from herself, in a way, I couldn’t.

She has always been so okay with the world and the way it turns. 

While I got mad and sad, and that often either motivated or demotivated me. 

She was untouchable, she found comfort in the chaos of the world. And people could hurt her, be mean or be nice and she would have just kept those feelings at the other person, rather than to mirror it on herself.

 

I’ve always admired that strength in her, to be so peaceful, that you, yourself are the change you want to see in the world and has a much bigger influence than just being mad.

 

So when I saw her again, I realised how mad I’ve been. 

And just like that, she took some of my madness away.