By Phillip Laskaris

Pooping Outdoors 1

Here we go. Another year at SCA. So excited. I’ve been coming here for 77 years. It’s been freaking amazing. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to graduate, but I really feel like this is my year. I think the dean really likes me. Like, really REALLY likes me. I’ve been working super duper hard. I cut out a lot of distractions. You will not catch me sniffing, let alone looking at someone’s butt on the street and if you think that food will get in my way of me joining AMV as an art director, you’re as dump as Max. (I know Max went to college, but his dad is a freaking Goof.) 

There is a great fresh crop of students this year. In years past I haven’t been able to find the right partner, but this year just feels different right of the bat. I mean, not to name names, but I’m gonna name some names. 

Gigi: She’s a freaking bomb-ass Lady who knows just the way to get me excited for an idea. We haven’t worked together yet, but I really feel like we could click on like a sonic level. 

Oliver: Since day one this guy has been ALL OVER me. I’m not sure if it’s because he like likes me or if I’m just the stick he’s always been searching for. I thought I had found that stick in Clissold park, but Oliver is making me re-think that. 

Aaron: Aaron is a tricky case. We are so perfect together, like bacon and bacon. His bright smile in the morning is just what I want to see and to get to work with him in our careers would be a huge honor. BUT, he’s got this bitch that I can’t freaking stand. In fact, she gets her own god damn column. 

People I DON’T want to work with.

Zelda: This tiny turd runs into school late WITH Aaron and everyone is all of a sudden gaga for Zelda. Just take me behind the barn and shoot me, because I’m so much in misery. What Aaron see’s in her, I will never begin to fathom. I don’t want to even think about it. She just thinks she’s all that because she’s a little younger and smaller than I am. I wish I could say I’m not jealous and I’m above this, but I’m jealous and I’m not above this. She is constantly distracting me when I’m sitting down for a master class. It’s like “Girl, go get a seat, I came here to learn, you’re a mini version of a me that was probably made through incest. Get. Out. Of. My. Face.” 

Alright, time to stop venting about the mini hell hound. I can’t and won’t let her ruin what should be my last year at SCA. I’ve got too much riding on this. I really don’t know how I can afford another year here, so it’s all or nothing.  

I just want to add one more thing. I think Phillip Laskaris is racist. Not because he’s American, but because he’s literally never touched me, nor Zelda for that matter, or talked to me a single time. Most of the time he looks at me it’s with disgust. No one has said anything, so consider this the official announcement.

Have a good half term Y’all! 

-Squirrel