By Rachael Simoes

Reflection Time 

Going into week 13 and I’m only starting to manage my feelings of stress. That is the only thing, however, that I’m learning to manage. Balancing work still isn’t on my side, nor is making a piece of work I’m proud of. 

Instead of crying into my dinner  about it, I think it’s time to set some goals and ask for help. Tomorrow I have my first one-to-one with our in house life coach. I want to go in prepared, layout clearly what I struggle with and what I would like to achieve. Without further introduction, children, let’s get into my personal life.

– Time management. Me cago en la leche. I have somewhat got the swing of  time managing my time to get the set briefs complete. What I want is to create time to write at least 50 SMPs a week, at least 1 topical a week, read 50 pages of a recommended book weekly, and time manage my briefs to the extent where I feel like I have enough time to make something I like. 

– Confidence. This is a weird one, because it’s the only good thing that’s actively been decreasing since I’ve arrived at the SCA. I’ve identified it’s a mixture of 3 things. 1) That I am not the natural creative brainiac I once thought I was 2) the lack of people like me in the SCA that would understand my humour and taste, and thus, isolation 3) the lack of descriptive and detailed 1-1 feedback on my work so that I can’t understand exactly where I went wrong and where I need to practise. I feel as if only the last one can possibly be helped externally, so I hope to set up a system where I ask for that feedback, but a lot of it has to do with if I can manage my time to a point where I feel like I make work worth someone’s genuine feedback.

– Keeping in good spirits. About 3.5/5 days of the SCA week I spend in a real funk. It’s usually, again, due to panicking about not having enough time and not doing enough work. This disrupts my ability to be creative, and my ability to push my partners’ creativity too. I think this one comes down to being better at time management too. Maybe finding a way to make the studio a safe space for me also.

I’m good at finding things that are wrong. I wouldn’t be born in Goodmayes, England if I didn’t love a moan. But it’s a mature thing to take these problems and find a solution. 

I was quite lucky to have stumbled upon a bunch of self-help books when I was 17 (Conversations with God, Trust by Osho, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, etc). Since, I’ve been making all kinds of goals and being patient with myself while working on them. Somewhere in the last 3 years I lost sight of that habit for different reasons, and haven’t been able to help myself since. 

Luckily for the past year, I’ve met some incredible people who have been so supportive and understanding of me. I’ve come to understand the lengths of my dyslexia and come to terms with my gender identity, to name a few things I’ve been helped with. But as certain clouds clear up in my mind, I think it’s time I take steps back into holding myself accountable for positive change.