This weekend, owing to it being my girlfriend’s birthday, I’ve had very little time to do any work. But creativity is a preoccupation, not an occupation, and like any natural creative I just haven’t been able to stop myself.

While walking along the Hastings coastline on a cold but sunny January day – one that included a really f’ing cold January swim – I had some thoughts. Ones with enough of an interesting angle or insight that I felt compelled to them write down. And here they are…

How you’re feeling looking at these is probably more or less how I felt the next day when, having forgotten about my notes, I woke up and looked at them: confusion, wonder and a sense of the deep profundity of existence. Ok… Maybe 1 out of those 3.

Not immediately or obviously great, we might all be thinking. But perhaps there is something in there worth exploring; perhaps me on Saturday – the one walking around on the coast, oxygenating their brain with clear sea air – was capable of more insightful and gripping thoughts than me on Sunday could truly comprehend. 

In the interest of finding out, I’m going to spend these words to see what I can make of them.

1. ‘Someone who climbs to the top of a hill at sunset just to take pic of their slightly average car’

The basis for this one was walking over the crest of a hill around sunset to be met by a beautiful view out to sea. As the view unfolded, one of my friends made some sort of joke about the fact that – just below the red sun dipping into the sea, and slightly obscured by the light – was a car park, bathed in an orange glow. 

For some strange reason, this sparked a scenario in my head about a man climbing to the top of a beautiful hill at sunset; a camera with a long lens strapped to his back. The journey is long and difficult, but he’s determined; scrambling over scree and driving himself up the final incline to the grateful summit. As he gets there he takes a moment, to look out towards the sun and smiles to himself. He takes out his camera and points it out at the horizon. He searches through his viewfinder and spots an eagle soaring, soaking in the last light – but he moves on. That’s not the picture he’s after. 

The camera lens stops and he smiles to himself. There. We look through his lens and see his ‘slightly average car’ (a Ford Mondeo perhaps?) at the bottom of the hill, the light playing perfectly across its bonnet. He zooms into the bonnet and watches the light dance across its surface. The focus shifts and a product rolls across the screen: Bilt-Hamber Double Speed Car Wax and the line reads (something like): ‘Your perfect finish’ (or perhaps something that sounds less innuendo-ish).

2. ‘Pie is crusty steak.

Steak with a crust.’

At the time, the opportunities from this insight felt both limitless and lucrative. Just a few ideas straight off the bat:

• ‘Meat with a crust’ as potential pie-company tagline (reminiscent of Chandler Bing’s seminal line-writing in season 9 episode 11 of Friends. ‘Cheese. It’s milk that you chew’, or ‘Pants. Like shorts but longer’ both come to mind).
• The potential swerving of trademarks related to the word ‘pie’. A rival pie company could set up ‘Pukka Crusted Steaks’, for example, to poke fun their competitor. Or parody films could be made – such as ‘American Crusted Steak’, or ‘Crusted Steak in the Sky’.
• Diamond-encrusted steaks as a promo campaign for new ‘Crusted Steaks’.

Ok. Having had a look at it, maybe this whole crusted steak thing isn’t what I thought it was cracked up to be. Guess I’ll add it to my: ‘felt profound yesterday, probs should delete’ pile. 

3. ‘Jonny website html code change trick’

This last one isn’t really a ‘thought’, but it is genuinely useful – or at least feels like it should be. I learned this trick from my friend who can code and it enables you to change the html interface of any website so that it will temporarily say anything you want (once you leave the page it changes back).

For example:

I have no idea what I might need this for yet, but it definitely seems like a tip worth knowing (thanks Jonny!). Instead of me trying to explain it to you – and sounding a bit like your nan trying to sell you the metaverse – here’s a website that does it much more succinctly. Use your new powers wisely.

@xavierauty