By Alfie Souter

SCA’s made me a narcissist

Does the course encourage narcissism? At the moment it is a constant pat on the back. Literally there are stickers for the best work. Praise is heaped on to those who work the hardest. There is the odd hammering of the loose nails but at the moment they are building us up. Perhaps just to knock us down later. But for now there is constant applause. The message that we are special is constantly hammered home. We are told we are better, that we are the top 1%, we are the one in every five that thinks differently. It’s hard for that not to go to your head right?

Or is that just an excuse. I guess I’m naturally inclined to be confident. Because for me when I was growing up that was the most important thing for some reason. I believed the ability to do things without fear of someone else’s opinion was a superpower that I wanted more than anything else. Now finally I feel like I’m in a place where I really don’t care what most people think of me. And this is a blessing and a curse. It is created distance between me and some of my closest friends. But it has also allowed me to do things I had not been able to do before. It has brought me a sense of contentedness within myself which I have not had for a long time.

Perhaps I have let SCA become too much a part of my life. The days that I have not been able to go in have felt worse than any party I missed or holiday that I couldn’t go on. Knowing SCA exists while I am not there bothers me more than most things. I’ve become addicted to doing things. I am addicted to being productive. Now I can’t sit and relax without thinking or feeling like I’m going somewhere or I go mental. I need to be doing something I feel gives me purpose now constantly. Maybe SCA has already changed the make-up of my brain. I have never done something so consistently and remained excited about going in every day. 

For most decisions in my life I’ve looked back at the point where I could have gone somewhere else and regretted the lost path. Right now for me I have no regrets. And despite this being a path that people have trodden before me, it does not bother me because I made this choice with the knowledge I could have done something else. I made this choice with the firm knowledge that this was the right thing to do. 

I feel like I was correct and I don’t see that changing.