Ten things my prospective partners should know about me – By @aliceburden1
By Alice Burden
Ten things my prospective partners should know about me
What’s that? You’re thinking of asking me to be your creative partner? Wow, I’m flattered. That’s so cute. I know I’m a very desirable partner, so what makes you think you’ve got what it takes to run with the best?
It can be tough working with me too, I’m a cruel mistress. So, before you get with this, you gotta get to know me. The real me, not the me you see winning Ben and Jerry’s vouchers every week. I want to show you the real me, the me that won’t stop til the job is 100% done.
So what are the ten most important things a prospective partner should know about Alice Burden?
- Fluctuating ego
I’m either the absolute best or the absolute worst. There is no in between. And if I am the worst, it’s probably your fault, you piece of sh*t.
- Easily distracted
I find it really hard to focus on what’s goi
- Sleepy after lunch
It’s your responsibility to make sure I don’t eat too many carbs at lunch time, otherwise I will be a complete and utter shambles of a partner. It’s on you.
- I’m too perfect
It can be really tough being me. And I can’t imagine how hard it is to be you, standing next to this.
I’m not great at being humble, I’m the best at it.
I hope you like desks covered in scamps, crisp packets, coffee cups, chewing gum, my hairs, sourdough crumbs, pens, moisturiser, umbrellas, newspapers, ring pulls from cans, toenail clippings, skin flakes, dog, fluff, dishes, pine needles, last years Christmas decorations, next years Christmas decorations, post its, your crap ideas, dirty knickers, Dean, my awards, pink blow up crown, photos of my family, none of yours.
I will not hesitate to cut you down if cross me. And by that I mean, if you don’t bend to my will. And by that I mean, we’re doing my idea. And by that I mean, your ideas suck.
- Hate strategy
I’d rather die than have any kind of strategy behind my work. SMP? More like Stupid Mindless Poop.
- Always stick my first idea
Let me say it again, I’m the best.
- I won’t write a word
This was actually ghost-written by some copywriter I made my bitch. It’s more of a creative director and intern situation here. Make me some coffee!
So there you have it. My top ten things a prospective partner needs to know about me.
Working with me is a worthwhile challenge. It will be the greatest time of your life. You will either come out the second best in the class, or you will quit after three days you spineless turd. Go become a planner, you’re not a creative, I hate you already.
Some people call me “a burden” but to them I say, you’re just jealous.
Some people say I should be a single, but to them I say, you’re just jealous.
Some people say I’m a despot but to them I say, you’re just jealous!