There is no god and we are his prophets – By @gringojoe96

By Joe Ribton


There is no god and we are his prophets

It’s protest march day, and I’m stuck working in the pub. Let’s celebrate the end of partisan dealignment amongst the UK youth (compulsory fuck you to Fleisch) the only way a gen Z yute like myself knows how to, with a completely meaningless and probably poorly constructed buzzfeed quiz. Total your score and discover your political leanings below, its 100% accurate 81% of the time.

Tell us what meal deal you would choose and we will tell you what political stance you secretly are…

Question 1: The Main
(1) ham based sandwich
(2) chicken based sandwich
(3) other meat sandwich
(4) egg sandwich
(5) cheese sandwich
(6) veggie sandwich
(7) pasta pot
(8) sushi
(9) meat wrap
(10) veggie wrap
(11) meat baguette
(12) veggie baguette

Question 2: The Snack
(1) ready salted walkers
(2) cheese and onion
(3) salt and vinegar
(4) prawn cocktail
(5) meat flavours
(6) hula hoops
(7) Pringles
(8) McCoy’s
(9) chocolate bar
(10) healthy bar
(11) fruit pot
(12) popcorn
(13) nuts

Question 3: The Drink
(1) Water
(2) tropicana
(3) innocent smoothie
(4) naked smoothie
(5) iced coffee
(6) other smoothie/health drink
(7) Coke
(8) Sprite
(9) Ribena
(10) Oasis
(11) Capri-Sun
(12) Chocolate/ other unhealthy smoothie


3-6 – You’re a strong-minded and opinionated person who’s political allegiance is on either end of the horseshoe shaped political spectrum. You flip between anarcho-communism and just anarcho-fuck my shit sideways whatever happens happens Brexit means Brexit.

7-12 – probably level-headed and mildly introverted. Your parents voted for the tories and you are EXTREMELY embarrassed about it, but Boris Johnson does keep doing silly things that make you laugh until a little bit of wee comes out so why not let him keep doing him. Brexit means Brexit, but you’re smart enough to realise Brexit means nothing, assigning any definition to it is futile and all hope for the future of Britain was lost when we were told David Cameron diddled that dead pig.

13 – 20 – ideologically fluid. You want to have your utopia and eat it too. By which I mean you want to save the rhino’s and establish peace on earth, but also cannot WAIT for the next best serial killer documentary to drop on Netflix. You’re anti-brexit because you want to travel Europe and get those sweet pics for the gram, but also don’t trust the anti-interdependence stance of a hard exit from the European customs market.

21 – 27 – Your ecocentric way of life often leads to your mates questioning your sanity. Yes, of course, who doesn’t want to recycle? But population control? Really?! When you hear of natural disasters or epidemics in the third world you cackle like a dying bird, stomp out your ciggy in a nearby flower pot and throw your fur coat over your shoulder as you saunter home for a steak and caviar dinner.

28 – 36 – “what’s all the fuss about, Brexit was ages ago wasn’t it?” that’s what you say, interlocking your fingers and resting the back of your head in your hands with your feet propped up on the table. You didn’t vote did you, you lazy bastard. You were probably too busy playing crash bandicoot or streaming yourself discussing philosophy on twitch to take any notice of politics. You believe in complete autonomy of the individual, anything is on the cards behind closed doors because #freedom. You just want everyone to be able to live their life like Michael Jackson did; access all areas, hospitable reception everywhere in the world and absolutely no damning concrete record of all the terrible things you 100% definitely did. Everything will work out alright if we just chill man, positive vibes only in 2019.  

The copy scores 67.5 in the Flesch Reading Ease test

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