Think think think

I find excessive talking exhausting. As I chat, my energy depletes. And I need a moment to get back to normal. Talking through projects with partners, as fun and necessary as it is, tires me out. I never want people to think I’m antisocial, but I like to have moments where I can collect my thoughts. Plan what I’m going to do next.

I miss the days when I could listen to podcasts at work. The feeling of being in a conversation but not doing any of the work. Which makes me sound like a right sad loser, but it’s true. Of course I don’t like to be alone, I get bored in my own company. Podcasts however give the sense you’re with friends, but it’s never your turn to contribute. What a dream.

I feel like this is something I have to tell partners before I work with them. Some people take it the wrong way if I stay quiet for an extended period of time, but I’m just thinking. I can get lost in thought for hours, causing friends and family to ask if I’m ok. It’s always disappointing when I explain that I was actually just reliving a favourite scene from Friends, or planning my next meal.

At this point I’m reminded of Winnie the Pooh’s saying ‘think think think’. I’m sure that reference was an unexpected turn, but I relate to it so so much.

I like to mull things over before speaking. I like to know that I believe what I say, that I’m not just making noise for the sake of it. This can lead to silence because I’m not quite sure what I think. Other times I feel strangled by the anticipation for what’s going to come out that I say whatever will get the desired reaction.

It’s all very confusing up in this brain. Mind games left right and center. Just know, that my silence is not a reflection of my brain or my mood. I’m think think thinking.