By Isabelle Johnson

 

Travel without the trauma

 

You’re thinking about what to do with the next step in your life. Do you escape to a new country? New surroundings? With new exciting people?

India? Nicaragua? Timbuk2?

 

Don’t do it.

 

Don’t bother with the faff of traveling. Just go to SCA instead.

 

If you’re looking to ‘find yourself’, do it from the comfort of Brixton, without the painful inconveniences of a long haul stint.

 

You can spend 16k on a once in a lifetime trip. But if you can experience the same levels of adrenaline, highs and lows from Brixton, then reap travel benefits there.

 

So here’s why you should find yourself at SCA instead:

 

No risk of a stomach bug from questionable pale meat that you didn’t realise came from a dog. Squirrel, Zelda or Lacey aren’t going to be served in an Other Side Fried burger covered in parmesan and mayo.

 

There won’t be confusing cultural differences and language barriers. The main translation issues you’ll have will be deciphering the meaning of Marc’s “wow” and varied facial expressions.

 

No risk of developing skin cancer. You won’t see a ray of sun for 11 months.

 

No men in strange garments giving you the story of how they found themselves. You’ll have ECDs for that.

 

No dramatic weight loss. You’ll put on weight from copious snack breaks.

 

No need for uncomfortable encounters with foreign lovers, leering and unwanted attention, or risk of rape at beach parties. You’ll be too busy with work and stressed to have a sex life and any relationship you have is likely to breakdown. 

 

You’re not harming the planet with dramatic air miles. At least with advertising you’re irreversibly harming the planet in ignorance.

 

No need to rely on damaging sun rays to bleach your hair. You’ll develop white hairs from the comfort of your Brixton desk.

 

There’s no risk of deep vein thrombosis.

 

No uncomfortable queuing at passport control. The only queue you’re going to deal with is for the Friday morning printer.

 

No risk of falling off the side of a cliff due to dodgy foreign driving on hairpin roads. The mentors to cause a similar effect when they kill your ideas.

 

No stomach-churning experiences from unpleasant coach journeys. The closest vomit-inducing experience you’ll incur is Scarlet and Chloe’s professions of love.

 

No embarrassing perspiration or sweat patches from high temperatures. You’ll experience plenty of tube sweats from the morning rush off the Victoria line through Brixton station.

 

No risk of losing your possessions on the plane. Sharpie theft is the most serious crime you’ll encounter.

 

No need to take hallucinogenic drugs. Marc’s trousers are clinically proven to stimulate similar areas of the brain.

 

So if you’re lost and thinking about purchasing that South American ticket, think twice.