On Sunday a fellow course mate challenged me to write an entire SCAB about the reason I don’t like taking baths. I reluctantly took him up on the offer as we downed our artisan coffees, said our goodbyes and waltzed off into the crisp morning Autumnal air.

As I got home I sat down pen to paper and thought to myself: “How do I explain my hatred of baths without sounding like a total and utter weirdo? How do I convey the things that really urk me without sounding absolutely bonkers?”

I was soon calmed by the notion that actually it was too late for that. We were five weeks in. Everyone’s met me. And they sorta know that I’m innately pretty weird. Nuts some would say. Some have been burned, others have been branded, and some have just been down right baffled by me. So yeah fuck it!

Baths.

Firstly, I hate how long it takes to fill baths up with water. And when you do the waters always way too hot! The amount of times I’ve dipped my toe into a steaming hot bath that’s scolded rather than soothed my skin is totally beyond me.

I also dislike the fact I can never fully fit into baths. Rarely, do I find a 5”8 inch bath that allows me to stretch my toes all the way to the taps without cramping up in sheer agony. My knees always poke up out of the water, exposed to the cold air of the bathroom like two hill tops blowing in the wind.

Thirdly, what’s up with that noise you make when you turn over?! It’s an excruciating monstrous sound, kind of like a whale’s given birth. I’m talking about when you’re lying on your back and you turn over to lie on your front and your body rubs against the bottom of the bath. A rubbery, moaning, whaleish sound. Maybe it’s just me. Or the bath. I don’t know. But it’s so unsexy, so lumpstrous I just want to get out immediately.

Yes, yes I just made up a word – lumpstrous. Deal with it. Interpret it as you wish.

The other thing I hate about baths is the fact that the water quickly goes tepid. If and when I do take a bath it’s because I want to spend half an hour relaxing in bubbly warm water with candles burning and music delicately playing in the background. I want to remain in the water for as long as possible. But alas, no! Bath water goes cold relatively quickly. Boooooo!

Ahhhh the girls will relate to this one. Or guys with long hair – shout out to my main man Antonio!!! Ever tried to wash your hair in a bath because the shower’s broken or your accommodation has no shower or just whatever reason? It’s literally impossible!!! You apply the shampoo, lather it on your locks and then when you rinse it all off the bath water has become slippery, greasy and shampooey. It’s no longer clean. I mean is bath water ever clean? The dirt and grease from your hair has mixed with the dirt and grease from your body and it converges into one big gross mess.

Also when it comes to washing the conditioner off afterwards – what do you do!? You don’t want to use the dirty shampoo water so you place your head under the tap, hoping to rinse it all off. But instead you practically snap your neck in half due to the weight of your wet wet hair cascading over your face.

My mum used to have those rubber bath shower rinser things for when we were little and weren’t allowed to wash our hair in the shower incase god forbid we slip and fall over. Children can’t stand up these days. It’s just wayyyy to dangerous. If no one knows what I’m talking about see picture below. As a kid I’d pretend it was a stethoscope and play doctors and nurses with my older sister. We played many games in the bath. In fact Father Christmas was my favourite. If the bath was extra bubbly we’d apply the foam to our faces and shout “Ho Ho Ho” at my Dad who would sit unamused on the side.

Anyway this is my last reason for why I hate baths. They just take way too much time up. I’m very impatient. I’m the type of girl who likes to get things done quickly and efficiently. NO hassle. NO faff. Just 1, 2, 3, you’re done. Don’t read into that too much pls. You sick sick bastards.

So yeah showers are quicker, warmer, better for the environment (provided how long you spend in them) and just heavenly. I take two a day. One coldish one in the morning to wake me up. A second at the end of the day, when I get home or after dinner. It just feels good to go to bed super clean right?

Anyway, I’m done. Dean you challenged me and I accepted. I talked about baths for an entire SCAB’s worth.

Goodbye.