By Alfie Souter

Be good not lazy.

As a slight preamble. I watched Mr robot season 4 ep 7 or 8 or something, which inspired this SCAB so if you have any intention of watching Mr Robot:

DONT READ THIS SCAB.

What did I think of that episode. It struck a chord with me. It had a twist at the end that explained it all like any good advert. It kept you thinking, asking. 

“You got me curious. I wanna know where you’re going with this brah”.

One of the characters says. Just like him we are on tenterhooks. We are wondering what’s happening and why this character (can’t remember his name let’s call him blonde) blonde had returned. What was his master plan? What did he want with Elliot? Why was he so obsessed with Elliot?

This episode got to the heart of Elliot’s trauma. It showed you why he was the way he was. This genre has always fascinated me. It started with Fight club. While others hate it I just think it really says something about people. It speaks to me. There is a duality between who we want to be and the person we are at the moment. And as we build up this image of who we want to be our real self starts to wilt. We put everything into this idealistic person. Pouring our very essence into them. Until they take a life of their own and start to mock you themselves. I remember the therapist said that’s not you that’s the bully. “Why are you bullying yourself?”, he said “I was hitting myself with a stick.” 

I knew this was true. I loved to shy away from what I really wanted, whatever that was at the time, knowing that the idealistic me would have done it. Knowing I wasn’t him, knowing I could crawl into a quiet ball a moment later and then I could beat myself up.

I remember pushing away people who fancied me. If this person who I liked saw all of me and changed their mind. What would that say about me? I think I am starting to break down that ideal me. I have started taking the bits that are possible and using them to build the real me whilst leaving what is fake behind. The things that could never be because they aren’t me.

I think that’s why I am so infatuated with these films, these shows. These shows that explore what it means to have a version of yourself that you don’t even know about. Mr Robot in that episode was so powerful. In the therapy session, when it began to get to the truth about Mr Robot he pleaded with Elliot to stop. When he the protector finally leaves the room Elliot finds out the truth, his last words “this will break him”. I think I have my own built in protector. The only problem is unlike Mr Robot I can’t see him he’s behind a curtain. Anything is acceptable when someone’s pulling your strings telling you it’s okay. Maybe that’s just hiding I am telling myself it’s okay. Or am I? I don’t know yet. It’s okay not to know myself fully. I think most people don’t know themselves at all. They are too afraid. Off seeing their reflection and not seeing the ideal they want to be. I think I am starting to accept who I am. 

I am scared too. I am scared of letting the interal bully take over again. I think if I give him gain a piece of ground then I will be on the floor again taking the beating. Everything isn’t black and white. You can have a bad project. Unlike what Marc says you aren’t only as good as your last brief. You’re as good as you. You can be self critical without knocking yourself to the ground. You can just say okay in this I have let myself down. But I can improve I can get better one failure does not make a person, it’s how they respond. In this episode Blonde says to Elliot you’re special. You can take all that anger and that grief the storm you have been in and instead become the storm. I don’t want to be the storm I have been a storm for too long. I have rained on everything and everyone in my vicinity. Why? Because for so long I was bitter and sometimes I still struggle to see the light. In HBO Rome one soldier turns to another other and says that the stars are just the lights of the heavens streaming through the black dome that covers the world. And that’s how I saw good. Well no all I saw was the black, the light was just pin pricks through the blackness.

Marc said there’s good in the world and people just want to be shown how they can be good. And I think I am starting to see that. I used to think a lot of the time that acts of kindness are unnecessary that they have no benefit to me. But on a fundamentally selfish level they make you feel better. Every little deed makes you feel a-bit better and the best thing about doing something kind is that it makes someone else feel a bit better too. So why wouldn’t you try to do that all the time? What does it cost you to be kind? Fuck fucking hell I get so angry at myself sometimes. But just anger isn’t okay. Being angry at yourself is easy, beating yourself up is almost fun. What’s hard what’s really fucking hard is just doing something about it. Not just once, not twice but every day every fucking day improving. Thinking about someone else. Not just your family or your friends but everyone. Looking around and thinking maybe I can give someone a bit more space on the tube. Ah she looks upset maybe I should ask how she’s doing. I haven’t heard from my friend in a while, no I am not going to wait for them to text me I am going to see how they are doing. Being good is difficult. There’s a reason why people are mean it’s because most of the time its in their self interest. They trivialise a deed to justify themselves, so they can sleep at night. Well at least I do anyway. 

Be good not lazy.