By Katie Burrell

Can’t Switch Off 

I had a tough time last week. I felt a wave of panic come over me on the Sunday and it just mounted from there. I want to succeed on this course and in life so desperately, and I place so much importance on everything I do that my head starts to feel full and all it wants me to do is stop. You’re tired, all the briefs and things you need to be doing are constantly whirring around in your mind and all you can think about is SCA. On the train…SCA. Cooking dinner…SCA. I could go further with this but not sure I want to delve into it completely and tell you about all of the occasions I’ve been thinking about school! I’ve been waking up and feeling like I just haven’t slept at all because my mind’s been so active. 

I went for my first run in a long time on Tuesday last week. It was a really horrible day for weather – heavy rain and crazy wind. Even though it was only 20 minutes, running against the strength of that wind and rain was hard going. I managed it though, didn’t get out of breath at all, felt pretty good, energised even – until I got home and felt instantly dreadful. No idea why. Maybe because I hadn’t done anything of any real impact in terms of exercise for a while? To be fair, most of my exercise comes from walking my dog at the moment and even though the walks are usually around 6 miles on average, they don’t get my heart rate up like running does. The next morning I woke up and felt so ill. Shaky, my chest felt like it was quivering, I just didn’t feel right. And then the tears came. My head was so full that all I felt like doing was crying. That feeling kept coming in waves. One would roll in, things would settle down and then a big one would hit me. 

I went home that afternoon, I couldn’t function properly. I got back and really tried to switch off all of the thoughts and worries and just veg out. I watched a really trashy film. That helped. I guess I just decided to give in to how I was feeling rather than fight it. I don’t like to come across as though I’m struggling or not coping. I hate feeling like I can’t handle it. I’ve realised that I actually need to schedule in time for me. I need to schedule in time in the day to not do anything, or to do something I love, or to exercise. If I don’t do that then I’ll just keep going and then end up feeling like I can’t switch off again. And if I don’t exercise then I’ll continue to feel like my mental tiredness is also physical tiredness, which it isn’t. My mind is tired but my body isn’t even close – that’s a really weird tension to experience. 

This course is so much about listening. Listening in a variety of ways. Listening to people, finding human truths, listening to brands, listening to what’s going on in the world. It’s also about listening to yourself. Listening to your mind and listening to your body. I thought I was pretty tuned in but I really don’t think I am. I need to listen to myself a lot more.