Special or Special?

Bea Bergman

By Beatrice Bergman



I’ve been thinking a lot the last month about the word special. So much that it has come up in every conversation I’ve had, in my head, as well as with others.
Special. S P E C I A L. special. Laiceps. Cialspe.
Trying to define it, find out why it haunts me, and how to make use of it.
It has taken up so much of my thinking time lately, that at the moment it’s a love hate relationship I’m struggling to get out of.
So this is my train of thoughts…
Depending on when you use the word special it can go from being something very desirable to borderline insulting.
Everyone knows that.
Which got me thinking, the word special is very much like having an idea. Depending on how you use it it can be brilliant as well as utter shit.
I need to learn how to know that.
Currently working on my passion project for the summer, drowning in anxiety, not being able to put my finger on why I no longer had any belief in the idea that is my project. Putting idea and special in the same box, shaking it up.
It had started out as an idea I was so passionate about. How I somewhere down the road lost my passion, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out.
So I’ve been trying to convince myself that no matter how this ends, I’ve done something. Not only will I have done something, but I will have collected and donated money to a fund I truly believe in.
Then why the anxiety? Why the doubt? And why can’t I get the word special out of my head?
So I asked myself : was my idea brilliant or utter shit? Special or special?
S P E C I A L. special. Laiceps. Cialspe.
Not leaving my head.
Stuck. Not special.
But did it sell?
Did my idea sell?
Everyone I’ve been trying to sell my idea to has bought it. I found my crowd, and I sold it, I’m selling it. Is that not special enough?
But still, in order to stop holding myself back. I need to know, in what way is my project special?
That feeling that put the passion in front of the project, that I lost.
Where did it go? What was it made of?
The thing that made my project undoubtably special to me.
So I’m thinking….
If I can find that, I will be able to tell the world why my project is special and what definition of special.
Still thinking. Not much time to go. Need to challenge myself more. Wish me good luck.

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