The grey and the rest – By @decadokhan
By Tomasz Wojcik
The grey and the rest
There is a scene from “Shaft” (the original movie from the 70’s). Afro-American and Caucasian detectives sitting in front of each other, discussing a new case at hand. In the midst of the conversation one of them attacks with a snappy comment: “you are not so black after all“, nearly touching his partner’s face with a black coloured pen. The other retorts extending a hand holding a white cup in front of other’s face, “and you are not so white either”.
Few things are actually good or bad, black or white in this world of ours. I feel that most of our best experiences are gathered when we break through the obvious duality of our initial, immature perspective.
I must say I find creative work in SCA very exciting and gratifying, and very intimidating. It isn’t getting easier, and this is to be expected. My awareness of why we do, what we do and how we do it raises gradually but so does my anxiety. In other words, it may be a fear of a wrong creative outcome and of the process that might lead to one. It is possible that the anxiety is just an ambitious anticipation of an idea that is supposed to be a great one. It is a fear of defeat and success of your creative work. By the end of the day it appears that the idea is pretty mediocre in comparison to the desired effect. That creates a massive amount of tension and stress and seems not to be productive at all. And yet I have an impression that the more self-defeating, anxiety-driven threat hangs above you, the closer you are to achieving the output you are working on. Facing all those emotions assailing your thoughts is no easy task but facing it while pouring that energy down to a paper is the way to go. It becomes so much easier to handle.
Understanding what you need and what you want looks like a grey mass when you are confronted with contradictory powers inside of you. Whether for good or ill, it is channelling of your own anxiety into creativity that helps you express yourself in the most cathartic way. It becomes a tangible thing, one that you can deal with or live for a bit longer. It seems not so big anymore. It is an outlet for all negative accumulated in you. It feels good.
Here at SCA, the scope of our emotional journey is quite extreme. It is like a snaky road in the sub alpine territory. Up and down, up and down again with a next U-turn ahead. The creative anxiety is an inseparable part of the creative process. Overcoming your weaknesses no matter how bad the shape and colour of anxiety is seems like a major step to improving your creative output. I daresay – do not tolerate vagueness, interrogate your anxious thoughts, demand an explanation and justification for their actions. Under a scrutinous eye they may not withstand the tide of battle. It can be the start of a liberating process.