By Alice Burden

Aunt Alice’s top tips for term two

So, its term two. You’ve made it this far. You’re stronger mentally, better at hard work and you don’t need sunlight any more. You’re practically an advertising vampire. But term one was child’s play. This is term two baby — and it’s going to be tough. In term one, we had one brief every two weeks; in term two, you get twelve briefs every hour. The temperature has really been turned up, and when it’s too hot, you might just feel the need to get out of the kitchen.

So how do I suggest you survive this term? Here are Alice’s top tips:

1. Say goodbye to your social life, good sleep and healthy eating

Once you’ve accepted these things, you will become a zen master and be able to work constantly while simultaneously meditating.

2. Take over three desks

Colonising desks helps you to feel like have control over something in your life, albeit just some studio surface area. You must cover it in 1. your five portfolios (that are completely empty), 2. your art pens which you claim people have taken but are actually just 3. covered in scamps from two projects ago.

3. Drink too much coffee

Nothing helps tiredness like drinking loads of coffee, sure you might not be able to sleep at night, and sure you might feel dreadfully anxious, but at least you’ll feel sort of OK for a few hours in the morning.

4. Make a schedule 

Burn it. Make another one. Eat it. Whatever comes out is your timetable for the week. This is the ONLY way to organise your time, just trust me on this one.

5. Get an intern 

If you want to get all your work done, ideally you’ll need an intern to bring you coffee, food and to wipe you after you go. My intern, Phillip, regularly fills up my water bottle, buys me sweets and tells me I’m great all the time. 

6. Be creepy

The girls in the class LOVE it when you crawl on all fours and appear at their elbow while they’re trying to do work with their partner; it really helps them to relax. Some other suggestions include breathing heavily down their necks, standing behind them for ages and writing too many puns.

7. Stay hydrated

This one is simple. DRINK WATER.

8. Don’t go to the toilet

It’s a waste of time. Cut a hole in your chair and let your intern hold a bottle underneath. It’s the only way.

9. Wear clicky shoes

Nothing says important more than wearing shoes that go ‘click-clack’. It will make everyone cower in your shadow as you walk around the studio. And power over your peers is everything in this game. 

So there you have it, my top tips for term two. Its going to be hard. It’s going to be a struggle. But you’re going to get through it, I can sense it. Aunt Alice believes in you. And if not, I hear there’s a posting to be my intern’s intern (he’s struggling with the workload).