Brain Dump – By @larrygrange

Laurens Grainger

By Laurens Grainger


Brain Dump


“‘No-one should filter their ideas in a brainstorm” – that’s what they say.

But what about if you’re writing?  Should you filter your thoughts as you type?

For this SCAB, I’m just going to zone out and type whatever comes in to my head.

I highly doubt that this will make any sense whatsoever, but I’m doing this ‘experiment’ so you don’t have to.

Here goes nothing…

My thoughts start with Carol Vorderman.  I feel like all thoughts should start with Carol Vorderman.

I was never that much of a fan of hers if I’m being very honest.  I found her to be a bit odd.  She was like one of those overly-alcoholic desserts.  Those desserts that you think you’d enjoy but then you don’t, because they taste too alcoholic.

One thing that isn’t too alcoholic is a Fab ice lolly.  That is because it isn’t alcoholic.

Though, wouldn’t it be interesting if an ice lolly was an alcoholic?  I like the idea of an ice lolly going to an alcoholics anonymous meeting and talking about his problems.  We’d all say that his heart is in the right place, but that he’s fallen on tough times.  I guess the toughest of times for him would be summertime…..imagine how tough life would be if you just melted?

I’ve never heard of a human being melting.  I imagine it would be quite the terrifying way to die. Although, not quite as terrifying as being eaten by a Vauxhall Astra.  Imagine how scary that would be?

You stand at the traffic lights…..

You’re humming along to some song by Westlife……

You see the light turn green…..

You slowly plod over the road…….


There’s a time and a place for Vauxhalls.  The time is 22:14 and the place is the bin.

There’s just something very dull about Vauxhalls, y’know?  I don’t see why they don’t paint them all beige.  Actually, scrap that – paint them all in metallic beige.  Give them some attitude.

“Hello, I’m here to buy a Vauxhall”

“Sure thing.  What colour would you like?  I have metallic beige, metallic beige and metallic beige.”

“What was the last one again?”

“Metallic beige.”

“And the first one?”

“Metallic beige.”

“I think i’ll just have the metallic beige, actually.  Thank you.”

I’ll tell you something else that is very dull. That’s PC World. I’ve been working on a brief for PC World this week and it makes me want to eat my own hair.

I found a grey hair a couple of months ago.  I’m not sure what to make of it.  I think it’d be quite fun to be a silver fox.

Philip Schofield has silver hair.  But he’s a bit of a tool.  I wonder if he was a tool before his hair turned silver?  I wonder if he drives a Vauxhall?  I wonder if he’s ever dated Carol Vorderman?

Why do you never see Carol Vorderman and Philip Schofield in the same place?  Isn’t that suspicious?  Possibly.



(Send in your psychological analysis on the back of a postcard.)

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