Cheese horoscope

With Christmas time fast approaching I begin to think of my favourite aspect of the day, the cheeseboard. So, here’s what I think your favourite cheese says about you this Christmas, think of it as a cheese horoscope.  


What a morning the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the coffee warms your belly. Even on a bleak day, you take pleasure, finding joy in all the small things. You don’t push boundaries, but why would you? Life is wonderful the way it is. 


You miss the cold hills of the North, the wind whipping at your face and the crunchy grass beneath your boots. The cheese you like is strong, much like yourself. You long for the past, for the way things were, and look back in fondness. 


Life is bleak, it is an endless journey with no highs or lows; just a long, grey road you must travel along until the end where death will finally put an end to this banality.


You are the life of the party, always smiling and joking. You’re a big softy who always makes time for those who matter. You are a little anxious, but it’s all in your head, you are beloved by many and a friend to all. 

Baby bell

There is a darkness within you. You cover it up with a waxy mask of jollity, but those closest can sense your façade peeling away and they can feel the monster within. Nobody knows what you’re capable of and nobody wants to find out. 


You summer in the South of France and winter in Switzerland, nobody understands how hard it is to do a ski season every year. You haven’t spoken to your parents in five years, but they still send money every month, so life is good. You live in Shoreditch and hate gentrification but are thankful that they built a Waitrose closer to your flat as you don’t trust the shops near you. 


Congratulations, you are a mother of three. Your children have the IQs of geniuses, the baby can even speak Thai or so you say… The other kids fear attending parties at your house, as they know they will only be fed carrot sticks and hummus.


You are in your golden years, finally retired. The kids are off at university studying media or business or something, you forget. Now you spend your days with an old book on WW2 nestled on your chinos, in the big comfy chair looking at the birds in the garden. Life is good.

Goat’s cheese

You only eat goat’s cheese when you can take time off your busy schedule. Running hither and thither from hot yoga to brunch with the girls. You get around at great speeds in your Lulu Lemon leggings and are more aerodynamic from having your hair constantly pinned up in a claw clip.  You relax at the end of the day in your Uggs chilling with a large glass of Chardonnay.


Will you even spend Christmas in the UK? You’re so travelled. You went to Spain with your school when you were thirteen and really ‘connected with the culture.’ You are brutally honest and will pull anyone up for mispronouncing ‘chorizo.’ English food does not compare to the tapas bars of Soho, you suggested to your family perhaps adding patatas bravas to the festive roast this year. 

Dairy Lee

You allow anyone to dunk in you.


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