Last week my sister asked me what I would do if I had an hour to live in my current situation (in lockdown, chilling at home). I think she said she would talk to her ex. I wasn’t really listening, because I was imagining myself becoming Instagram famous with a plethora of stylised naked pictures of myself. And before you judge me, remember that this is my last hour of being alive in lockdown, and there’s only so many options for me to make the most of this world. 

Now, I think if it really came to it I wouldn’t actually do that. I don’t have any pictures of myself on my IG anymore (only a cheeky highlight reel as of yesterday so people know who I am when they come to my page). I’ve found a lot of reasons not to post pictures of myself, and I’m sure they’ll all come up during the nude self-photoshoot. I think I’d much rather spend my last hour eating fried chicken while watching Parasite one last time.

My poor readers, you must be thinking “what in tarnation is this girl(?)/gender neutral child on about?” And that’s fair enough, I don’t know my gender either. But I can tell you where I’m going with this SCAB.

Before lockdown, Marc would spend most of his town halls convincing us to make topical adverts. For those of you that don’t know what that is, here’s one me and Munraj made earlier:

Look at a piece of news, get a brand that could have something smart/witty to say about, make a ting. Brands spacing out letters in their logo for self isolation is another example of a topical. They aren’t my, or most peoples’ cup of tea, to say the least. But Marc would preach “everyday is an opportunity for you to become famous!” He’s not wrong. Katie is a prime example of this. When she changed Levi’s logo to say “Evils” on Halloween, Levi’s retweeted. This is something else Katie did:

Katie is phenomenal and I love her, she’s maybe one of the nicest people I have ever met and her art makes me feel so warm inside. Shout out to Katie one time. Anyway, a prime example of someone who has achieved some sort of fame with something they’ve made on two separate occasions.

But whenever Marc says this, and when my sister asked what would I do if I had an hour to live, the same question has come to my mind- do I want fame? (wow 400 words in and she gets to the point of the SCAB, well done.)

The answer is a hard and resounding no. Listen guys, we’ve been over this. I’m good looking. If I wanted to be Instagram famous I would’ve done it by now. But I can’t think of anything worse than receiving that much attention. And it’s not just online fame that doesn’t appeal to me. 

The reason I wanted to write this SCAB is because I’ve been contemplating whether, as a female writer, I should be acting. Issa Rae and Phoebe Waller-Bridge are my senpais. Both act in their own stuff, much like Mindy Kaling, Michaela Cole, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler. And while Michaela Cole was a special case of being an actress first and writing things for herself, we can all admit there’s a pattern here. I don’t want to act because I’m not that good at it and I don’t want the attention famous actors get. I can’t even stand the attention I get when presenting to the SCA and clients over Zoom.

I’m going to round off this mess of a SCAB here because it’s gone on too long. I basically was like I can become a female writer without acting (e.g Bojack Horseman, another senpai, has female writers), and then I was like but no one will know who you are, and then I was like that’s the flippin point.

In conclusion, mi nah want fame. My priorities are to make work for my people and to be financially independent, fame not so much at all. That’s it, that’s the SCAB in one sentence.

BUT RACHAEL YOU’RE PART OF KRAK YOU NEED TO MAKE NOISE. Good point. I almost forgot that. And to that I say, I’m also highly unexperienced. I am very happy to practise my craft now and be fameless and make noise with my work later in life when it’s at a standard I’m comfortable with the world seeing. Is that ok? Can I end this SCAB now?

No, Rachael. You’re not going to become Mariah Carey for getting a brand to retweet your topical, but you might get some advertising industry clout. And seeing as you’re literally trying to get hired in this world, maybe a good topical here and there wouldn’t hurt. 

But as Skepta would say, Nah, that’s not me- act like a wasteman? That’s not me. Jk, I make topicals, but I hate myself when I do. The things I do for advertising fame, am I right?