How do I feel? I feel like I’m drifting. Marc keeps harping on about flying and gliding cause you’re a bird but you need fuel? But the fuel runs out? Then you’re gliding? Wait am I a car or a bird? Or a plane? 

That metaphor falls down pretty quickly for me. But yeah just an aimless little boat drifting to nowhere. 

I’ve never been very good at self-motivating. I still can’t even get up in the morning unless there’s a reason like work, school or seeing a friend. If not I will just lie in bed forever. It’s good to seize the day apparently do stuff. I can never convince myself that’s true especially in the morning.

Most of my life I was motivated to do work through fear. I wasn’t good enough people were better than me even if I work harder than them I still might not be as good. Think that was partly dyslexia and partly not studying right sometimes.

Now I don’t feel those things. I think I’m capable the evidence seems to point that way at least. But I hate the lack of visible progress. It just seems to be looking back and going ah I’m faster at coming up with an idea or this one is better than the last. Then a bad week feels like you haven’t learned anything at all. This is why people latch on to book scores I guess I personally have stopped taking note of them I didn’t even look last week. I disagree with the system. Then there’s other people’s work but for some reason, I have no care for looking at that either apart from 3 weeks ago when I looked at 2 books. 

So I have no marker of progress which I guess is in part my fault. I was watching MJ’s documentary and I wish advertising was like basketball. I would just get up every day and shoot hoops until I was getting it in every time. But all this other stuff seems so strange to me get to by’s what’s that going to do? SMPs everyone seems to have a different definition. The whole thing is preached like a science but no one really knows. Well, I guess there is evidence of those who have succeeded but the progress is slow I feel like I’m just on the ocean with no landmarks of how far I’ve come or if I’m going to be there soon. I felt like this a-bit before everything but now it’s just like groundhog day but at least whatever he’s called could go outside. 

I am lucky I am by the sea and I can go for walks, the view is great. I think most people wouldn’t be pleased with my complaining. But 6 weeks later it’s hard to stay grateful for the same things I guess. I just stare out at the sea and I walk away feeling as if I wasn’t even looking I was just thinking about shit that didn’t even matter.

I think now I just rationalise things by going it doesn’t matter. But then if you keep applying that to everything then few things matter. And then soon nothing does.