Ground 0

My first week at SCA has already flown past. Every day my Mum has asked me how it went and every day I say, ‘Really intense but super fun’. I know for sure that I am where I need to be, surrounded by the people I need to be around and I am up for the challenge. The only things is that I feel absolutely bloody useless. 

Marc warned us about imposter syndrome but I didn’t truly know what he meant until I started to dread my own work coming up on screen to be seen and critiqued by everyone. It’s not that I haven’t had my work scrutinized this way before but as an artist it always felt like it was on my terms and I no longer feel in control. It suddenly feels like I lack any skills in any department and that everyone has more talent and more to show for themselves than me. 

So, I have accepted defeat. I think as a creative sometimes you need to learn when to drop your ego, clear the slate and start again. 

I am at ground 0. But what a place to be. Ground 0 means that I am susceptible to everything that comes my way, all the new information, experiences, people, teachers, places and I plan to suck it all up like a sponge. I am questioning everything. I feel challenged by everything. I am questioning my own identity and where that fits into advertising. But art is pain and if it’s not painful it’s not art. I haven’t felt pain in a while so this pain although conflicting and scary is going to be welcomed and channelled. Let’s see what happens. 

Meeting new people can also be so tricky. I have never been someone who suffers from any type of social anxiety, if anything I feel like I am in my element. The only thing is that when you are loud person, people can define your character as being a certain type of way. Whether that is positive or negative I don’t know but I have already been told, ‘I judged you on the first day but you are different to how I thought you’d be.’ I am sometimes envious of quieter people whose personalities are more of a mystery. I wish I was more of a mystery. Why do I have to be so out in the open? It leaves me feeling vulnerable, like a pawn you moved two spaces forward at the start of a chess game. You move it there because you are shit at chess and have no strategy other than to blindly go forward and hope that the game will play out in your favour. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change me but sometimes being me can be awfully tiring. 

In my work I want to push boundaries, stir the pot, disrupt the industry but as a person I just want to be liked. 

Not sure how this SCAB ended up being so melancholy. I actually feel pretty positive about the start of my journey at SCA. I guess I am just trying to fulfil the brief which is to reflect. Reflection can be painful and demands you to hold a mirror up to your face and sometimes the reflection staring back isn’t always so pretty.