By Josie Finlay

 

HUSH: What use would you be in the apocalypse? [Part One]

 

Haven’t you heard? The end is nigh! But we SCAers won’t go down without a fight. We’re all in this together. As the inevitable apocalypse unfolds, what role will you play?

 

Alex B – Entertainment is crucial during nuclear disaster. Sadly DVDs and streaming services probably won’t be available, but with her encyclopedic movie knowledge, Alex could act out a few films for us. Hours of fun, probably not for her though, sorry Alex!

 

Alex T – He could sit like a sphinx surrounded by grape-flavoured vape clouds outside our safehouse and ask intruders complicated riddles about behavioural economics and philosophy until they ran away screaming.

 

Aleks – Aleks is no stranger to the early hours of the morning – she’s been known to stay up crafting when us slackers are all in bed. That level of obsession and graft is exactly what a survival team needs. Also if she’s developed night vision, that would be extra useful.

 

Alfie – I think Alfie did the best ever late-to-town-hall dance. Do you remember his air guitar? I was transfixed. A perfect distraction technique for any approaching cannibals.

 

Alysha – This resourceful and creative baker would be able to whip up some gorgeous, moist desserts out of the rotting scraps left on the earth.

 

Andy – When the end of the world comes, it will probably be because of something to do with technology, so we’re all going to have to learn hacking or whatever. And who knows technology better than anyone? Tiny little children. And who knows tiny little children better than anyone? Andy. Lure them in with drama games – they could be our most valuable weapon.

 

Antonio – Antonio’s a talented photographer and documentarian. If you didn’t take any group selfies during the apocalypse, did it even happen?

 

Charles – His garms might be wavy but his survival chances are solid. That’s because he’s probably learned how to do all that kind of stuff from watching Lost.

 

Coco – With her down-to-earth attitude and impressive collection of block-heeled boots, Coco is the one to stick with if you want to stay grounded during nightmarish times.

 

DJ – I’ve seen DJ weaving dreams with a biro across his massive paper scroll. If that boy can figure out the inner workings of Uber, he’d be able to form a killer survival plan.

 

Dan – Dan is a man with solid morals; a man who isn’t afraid to slam his non-pint hand strongly down on a table to illustrate his point. That is the sort of hand I would follow into battle. He also loves a credit system – he could establish one for when money no longer exists.

 

Dean – Dean would probably end up wandering off somewhere and returning a few days later with some random items. Some coffee table books? A length of carpet? A new bosom pal? The last lava lamp left on Earth? Who knows, but it’ll jazz things up, that’s for sure.

 

Forrest – Forrest can be really frightening. You never know when he is going to pull out a horrifying Yorkshire accent, a shrill scream or a ziploc bag full of tuna mayonnaise. A Forrest would be the ideal weapon for catching any predators off guard.

 

Gemina – Gem has that rare combination: ultimate French elegance, and the ability to put away huge quantities of toast. A girl with hidden toast stashes is definitely someone you want on your side when it all goes pear-shaped.

 

Holly – I really appreciate the fact that Holly turns up to almost every event with a disposable camera. She’d be able to get some rad snaps out of even the most dire situation.

 

Jacob – In a horrible dystopian future, we’ll need all the friends we can get. Especially rodents, who are famously good survivors. Luckily Jacob has recently qualified as a mouse whisperer so he can translate their lifehacks and get them all on our side.

 

Jemma – Jemma demonstrated some brilliant spontaneity when she was pulled on stage by Dee to dance in front of everyone. Deeply impressive. Those kind of razor sharp reaction times would be crucial in times of crisis.

 

Joe C – He could brew craft beer from the skeletal remains of trees and decomposing animal corpses so we’d have a jolly old time in our safety bunker.

 

Joe F – Watching the world burn is basically a big version of sitting around a campfire – hand Joe a guitar and he would absolutely spoil us with vibes.

 

Joe Rib – Everyone knows that Joe Rib is the most huggable person in the class. When our energy supplies are dwindling, at least we’ll have Joe to give us some warmth and comfort. Maybe he could also whisper memes into your ear or something.

 

Karolina – She’d charm her way into an exclusive gathering of our mutant overlords and wangle some sort of crucial information. Failing that, thwack them around the heads with her Moschino hardware.

 

That’s all for now – tune in next time for the second half of the alphabet. Til then, stay inside.