I Gave Birth on Selection Day
I was mid-way through a book called ‘Vagina’ when I was invited to prepare a four-minute presentation for an SCA selection day.
The book by Naomi Wolf explores the link between female sexuality and creativity by looking closely at female desire through thorough, scientific case studies.
Meaning vaginas were on my mind. Particularly mine.
As I scratched my
va head for ideas of what to do, it occurred to me — my vagina had the answer.
Never, ever, ever, ever will I have children. I’m not maternal in the slightest. I have not once felt broody. The desire to raise a family is something I just don’t feel, and frankly, babies ruin my day. On trains, on flights, God forbid in coffee shops. I don’t want them near me, I don’t want to hold them and I certainly don’t want one sliding out of my insides into my arms. Not for love, not for money, not for… Marc?
And with that thought, my idea was born.
I remember running the idea by a few friends in a Japanese restaurant.
“Guys, I’m gonna go into a pretend labor live on zoom” I exclaimed as I poured them more plum wine.
They almost choked on their bao buns.
I was on to something.
Trusting my gut, I spent the next few weeks studying birth vlogs on Youtube, bought a full length maternity gown, a blue hospital hair net and prepared to spread my legs in front of my potential professional network. I also wrote a short introduction for my contractions to conveniently interrupt. (Not once did I rehearse the actual labour though! I wanted those precious four minutes to be as primal as possible. For it to feel real for both me and the faculty watching).
And then I had a light bulb moment.
My idea wasn’t just that I didn’t want children. It was that I wanted to give birth to something else entirely — I was applying to SCA to give birth…
“I’m going to give birth to a light bulb”, I updated my family who, still to this day, are convinced I’ll “change my mind” about the baby thing.
And so the hunt for the perfect lightbulb began. Many were too small, some a little strange looking (my lightbulb baby needed to be fucking adorable) and most were already called Philip.
Until the day before the interview.
Everyone, meet Idea.
No he was not made in China.
Note: Moral of the story: I encourage you to do something you never thought you’d do for your selection day presentation. To challenge yourself. To show them your character, not just your skills. SCA isn’t easy. It isn’t comfortable. And so to get a place, you really have to show how hard you’re willing to “PUSHHHHHH!!!!!”)