It’s week 4 and I already want to leave:

Now I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t quite mean it in the sense that I’m done and ready to bail out of the course. Weirdly I think, after not even 4 weeks on the course I’m already looking to where I’ll be at the end, the work I’ll make and who I’ll work with and for with a sense of unbridled anticipation. 

The ridiculous thing is I know I’m still definitely finding my feet, I thought that I was immune from imposter syndrome for the first couple of weeks but damn if is isn’t rearing its head right now, everyone is fucking exceptional… what exactly is it that I’m bringing to the table again? Not to get too meta on everything, but I picked up on my last SCAB not quite making it onto the socials. Perhaps that’s my fault, I went off the deep end of an existential crisis towards the conclusion doesn’t exactly make for uplifting reading for prospective employers and cohorts. Was it a bit weird? Yeah, sure but you gotta push the format.

Naturally my first reaction to that realisation was wonder if I should become the first SCA student that was unable to get a SCAB published due to the sheer ridiculousness of my subject matter, and wear that achievement like a badge of honour. I guess that’s my inner contrarian going a bit OTT though, I think that’s something I gotta work on if someone says ‘jump’ my inclination has always been to crumple into a ball on the floor. Childish isn’t it? Weirdly my dad wanted to call me Maverick (I know imagine being named after a Tom Cruise character… that’s my most shameful secret, please don’t tell anyone) which seems weirdly appropriate I guess. 

But I don’t wanna lose my edge you know, that’s what makes me, me. That’s what’s supposed to come through on these bi weekly reflections. Hence the stream of consciousness style I’m so affectatiously adopting for all these submissions so far. But do I tone it down? I haven’t even decided what form I want these to end up taking yet, start off writing sure, but the progress into what? A Pollock style painting that beautifully convey’s the weeks successes and frustrations? I once wrote a rap song in German to impress my current girlfriend on her birthday (don’t ask) maybe I could redo that format for a SCAB, maybe I could release a single dove into the wind in an empty field and tell not a soul to make commentary on how true beauty can only be experienced subjectively. Actually scratch that last one, I don’t think they’d accept the format. 

I think my next SCAB might be accompanied by a tune though, just to get the reader in the mood. Yeah, definitely write that idea down for later. 

So where am I going with this, back to the title I guess. I have never begun something and so soon after known its exactly what I should be doing, even after probably one of the most testing weeks work of my life I’m so sure about smashing through to the end of this, but also making the most of my time here and realising how lucky I am to have the opportunity to do something like this is a period of time where the world seems more unsure than ever. That being said I can’t wait to leave, a fully formed creative, and see what the world has in store for me post SCA. Portfolio day, I’m coming for you with laser like focus.