Lucky Number 5? By @gringojoe96

By Joe Ribton


Lucky Number 5?

I’m currently sat on the train from London Bridge to Eastbourne, obviously delayed on my way to a deserved hotel spa weekend. Deserved, because my girlfriend and I are celebrating being together for 5 years. I wanted to write a bit about being together for so long, but you don’t want to bored by all that. She and I are both budding creatives, so we thought we would speak laterally about our relationship through the guise of random things with the number 5… Just kidding this is going to be tortured. I’m going to have to drag her through this kicking and screaming. When I die Satan will entrap me on an endless train with sunlight coming through the window at every angle, stewing me slowly with a Vlad the Impaler sense of efficiency. Anyway, here we go:

Stalin’s 5 year plan: an appropriate place to begin. Our relationship is precisely like Stalin’s 5 year plan in that there’s a guy called Joe who has to plan everything. He can also bend big iron bars and often gives himself a lot more credit than he’s due. However, Stalin was quite an organised and rigid geezer, our relationship probably lasted this long because we did not really plan anything at the start – certainly not lasting for 5 years – in that sense we are the antithesis of Stalin’s doctrine… Phew. 

Maroon 5 – one clear element of Maroon 5 is how irrelevant they have become since the song ‘This Love’ that was played relentlessly on the radio when I was going anywhere with my family when I was younger. That ‘this love’ was a bit of a banger in 2009 but who cares now, this love right here on the train (the love train maybe) is relevant af. We would also outlast Adam Levine on American Horror Story, little bitch lasted about 2 minutes into season 1 episode 1. Who even are the other people in Maroon 5? Is it a sugarbabes situation? I suppose the other people at SCA don’t know the other person in this relationship other than the frontman (me), hopefully that will change soon. 

5 gum – This is how it feels to chew 5 gum. The 9.45 to Eastbourne, McDonald’s breakfast slowly crawling through our digestive system. I’m sure this is what the 5 gum marketing department had in mind. 

5 a side – We both work together as a team! I asked Tiz what position she would play if our relationship was a 5 a side team, she has replied “up my ass”. I think what she is trying to convey is that our relationship transcends conceptions of team-based sport, we both act introspectively – looking deep inwardly in order to solve the problems that face us as a duo… 

The Fifth Element – Bruce Willis and Milla Jovovich have the typical 90s dynamic of smug heroic man and consistently under dressed hyper-sexualized female with no lines in the English language. I think we make an effort every day to move beyond that way of thinking, particularly when we want to be creative. Unlike Leelu, Tirion speaks English, and not Welsh or Westerosi as her name would suggest. Good movie though. 

9 til 5 – Dolly Parton and I both have ginormous baps, would be my instant response. We are both intent on making a living working 9 til 5, and now that I’m at SCA I’m out of the house from about 7 until 7 each day, so suck on that Dolly. Hours put a strain on a relationship, and limit our hours of communication. We used to spend hours a day on the phone to one another, even when we were at the same school. Going our separate ways these last few years have meant you grow hardened to not seeing your better half as much. This is the most bittersweet part of any relationship, as I’m sure some of you can agree, as you ache a bit less – but hate yourself for aching less, who wants to settle for less than 2 hours on video chat every night? 

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