My SCA class, as condiments and spreads – By @megan_egan

By Megan Egan


My SCA class, as condiments and spreads


I often find myself comparing people to inanimate objects. Following on from my last SCAB about types of potato, today I thought I’d explore the world of condiments, through the lens of my SCA peers.


Let’s start with the lady sitting to my left, Ben. He’d definitely be a fruity mix, mayonnaise and ketchup, so wrong but so right. You wince when you see them touch, but can’t help going back for a double dip.


That brings me on to Poppy, she loves a double dip. Sharp, saucy but also delicious, she’d definitely be a big ol’ pot of burger sauce, with added glitter on top when the weekend hits.


Nicholas Stanley, the poshest man on the course, tall, deep and overly wordly, Nick would have to be a pomegranate molasses. Everyone has some of it in the cupboard, from that posh salad you made for that dinner party 6 months ago, and you have no idea how to use it. But god forbid you throw it away.


Honor, adding a dash of sweetness to the SCA food cupboard, she’d have to be a pot of homemade Apricot jam, the kind you buy at Christmas food fair after a few glasses of mulled wine. Always a tasty start to the morning, guaranteed to put a smile on your face.


Adeleine, a sweet chilli sauce, sometimes a divine sugary hit, sometimes a spicy ride.


Next we come to Phil, he informs me he’d be a dijon mayonnaise – ooooh, fancy!


Becky, a family favourite and all-round crowd pleaser, ketchup is the name of her game!


Zoe, looks slender but chunky inside, she’d be a jar of calorific peanut butter (sticking to the beige food groups of course). Spread her on your sandwich, put her in your porridge, or eat it straight from the jar after a rough week.


LEMON CURD! Does anyone actually eat this? Sara does, so that’s why this is her!


Ssssssssteven – strong, punchy and a little bit yellow, he’d be a pot of English mustard. Great with a banger, top notch on a beef sarnie, and will definitely clear out your sinuses.


The jury’s out on Melina, the room claims she’s tsatziki, while she strives to be Tobasco.


Christian, he’d definitely be a spreadable consistency. Maybe a jar of nutella, guiiiiiiiltyyyyyy!


Take the beans out of the tin and what do you get? Philly! She’s a strong independent lady who don’t need no beans to make her saucy-self complete.


What’s the perfect addition to any vegetarian roast? Twyla of course! Onion gravy, thick and oozing, all over those crispy roasters.


Helena P, a sweet delight. It has to be biscoff spread, add her to a pancake or lick her straight off the spoon.


The only way to enjoy Marc is by piling him on thick. He loves a bit of cheese, so a cupboard staple, Branston Pickle, is the only thing he could be.


Martin said he wouldn’t be a condiment, he’d be a proper schnitzel.


*Disclaimer: please don’t be offended if I didn’t explore your condiment alter-ego, it just means you weren’t in my direct line of sight while writing this SCAB.


Till next time, farewell!

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