“My top ten lockdown activities” by Alice Burden: A Critique

My “partner” wrote a SCAB yesterday, if you can call the words she puts on a page “writing”, but… 

I digress.

The SCAB was about the 10 things you should do now that lockdown is being slightly lifted. I frankly find it very disturbing and offensive that she believes you couldn’t decide for yourself. She was so bold as to offer actual suggestions. Like, I’m sorry? I didn’t realise I was a blundering fool waiting for instructions from the all and powerful Alice? I must have missed that meeting! Especially since Alice totally has her life together!

NOT! 

But once again, I won’t get into the shambles Alice calls a life. It’s like wow, you have your own apartment, you’re a very responsible person, kind, funny, and always looking to help.  Whatever!!!

I digress further. 

Let’s get into some of the “suggestions” (more like orders punishable by death) she gave us.

1) Cycle on the pavement.

She literally says, “it’s the pedestrian’s fault if they get hurt.” Frankly, I find that insane and if you genuinely believe that, I don’t believe you should be allowed to ride a bike. It’s disturbing. 

2) Buy an overly expensive takeaway beer

Oh yeah, that sounds terrific. NOT! You say overly expensive in the title, last time I checked we’re all trying to save a buck. I’m not sure if money is just pouring out of your nose because you’re a fiscally responsible person, but I have lots of vices and spending issues, so I find this highly OFFENSIVE! 

3) Drive around

In this example she would have you beep your horn at people and play loud music. So not only do you want to disturb people for the little amount of time they are allowed outside, but you also want to potentially give someone a stroke by beeping at them??? Hello, does anyone else see a pattern of psychotic behaviour?

4) Purell slip-n-slides.

Do I need to even remind her that hospitals are dying for this stuff (literally) and the fact that she would use it for fun in the park is about as inconsiderate and offensive as black face? 

5) Heroin

HEROIN! She actually wrote heroin is a good idea. We all know the quarantine drug is meth. 

6) Stare

You’ve heard of the male gaze, introducing the Alice gaze! If sexism exists in 2021 it’s because Alice is pushing it! OFFENSIVE! 

7) Visit Barnard Castle

Lame excuse at a topical joke. Let’s see if this is funny in 3 minutes!? NOT! 

8) Fujkalija

I find it highly unlikely that Alice developed a full language with tenses, vocabulary, and grammatical rules. I’m 90 percent sure she just smashed her keyboard.  

9) Order stuff on Amazon

UGH! It’s like her telling me to order stuff makes me not want to order stuff. How have you even ruined shopping for the world? You are a demon from the deep taking a henry hoover to everything that is good.

10) Sit in the park and read alone

Just because you don’t have any friends and observe lockdown rules doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t get together, you LOSER! So offensive. 

I’m sorry. I need to stop there. I know it’s the end of her list, but if she had one more “idea” the “idea” to blow my head off would cross my mind. 

I sincerely hope you guys take everything this “Alice” says with multiple grains of salt because she might be the zodiac killer. 

 If you need help dealing with her crap, tweet me. @laskarisphillip