By Phillip Laskaris

Partner Guidelines

Relationships are tough and our lives are full of them. Whether it’s long distance or close enough to be annoyed by how they chew. Maybe it’s strained because they’re your younger brother and you most certainly didn’t want any more additions to your family. Or perhaps it’s the relationship you have with a cafe and they just raised the price of coffee. Relationships are romantic and plutonic, long and short, abusive and loving, and so much more. 

People fail to hold onto them every day. They seem to slip from our grasp without us knowing or we tape the relationship to a microwave and hurl it out the window. There are those that stay together. Those that make it work. I went to the same barber for 10 years before moving out of the country. My mom has been eating the same licorice wheels my whole life. And while my older sisters, definitely didn’t want another child in the family, I think they’re starting to warm up to me a little. 

At the SCA we’re about to pick our creative partners. For those of you who don’t know, that’s when a copywriter and an art director love each other very much. So much, that they come together to make babies. Sometimes they have to kill their babies (not allowed in most states across the USA), but usually they work together to build their babies up so they become strong and go on to influence the world.

This is a big deal for a couple reasons. A good partner could be all the difference in you getting a job, which dictates your whole life. You could be working with this person for many many years and if something annoys you about them, it will grow, it will fester, and you will to hate them. And lastly, because we work in advertising and no one cares about what we do so we have to make everything a really big deal to us. 

I don’t want there to be any confusion in what I want in a partner. I don’t want my relationship to be a waste like 3 out of 4 of my girlfriends and that time I thought protein powder was the answer. All I gained from those relationships was weight. 

So here’s a few things I look for in a partner. 

Don’t be a loser. I don’t like a bogus Ben. If you’re not cool, don’t make eye contact with me. 

You should be humble. I hate some braggadocios chad, who can’t find it in him/herself to admit when they’re wrong. 

You definitely can’t be better looking than I am. I’m not a fan of Gorgeous George’s. If you get an ounce more attention than I do, I’ll break up with you. I’ve done it before. 

But you can’t be too ugly. I don’t hang with ugly Betty’s. We must look good in pictures. 

You should bake. A nice Baking Bert is terrific in a relationship. I love a fresh scone once a week. 

Don’t bake too much. Hate a baking Bethany who believes they can shove sugar down my throat till I love them. 

Your work ethic should surpass my own. A hardworking harry is just what I need. There will be days I don’t want to work, and you should pick up the slack. 

If you’re not all of these and more things that I won’t tell you, maybe I’ll think about hiring you one day, but for now – Tata.