SCABs

Reviewing my neighbours out of ten – By @GCopywrite

Reviewing my neighbours out of ten 

Hello and good morrow to you all my dear readers, 

Well, well, well shit on a brick and call me Susan because here we still are.

I live on a delightful tiny weeny street in the centre of London. I can’t mention the name due to safe guarding (don’t want any of my fans to come and mob me, also I can’t handle the paps right now because my skincare and dress sense has gone out of the window). BUT some fun history fact for you, this cutesy barely-wider-than-an-alley used to be where the prostitutes and brothels were as the Thames is just a hundred metres away. Classy. I like it though and it has an ironic name. 

I’ve lived here my entire life but haven’t actually lived here full time until I came to SCA post the age of 11 when I was shipped off to various boarding schools. So here I finally am, aged 24 and this lockdown has provided the perfect excuse to actually get to know some of them via our street WhatsApp group. Yet it wouldn’t be a Gigi Rice SCAB without a bit of savagery so I’m going to rate some members out of ten. 

Blondie, Milkybar and Nanny. 

10/10 

MEGA babe central over here. Milkybar is three with the most adorable milk bottle glasses. They moved in 18 months ago and a strong street favourite. Nanny is B’s nanny and her and I now run a “Youth” group on the street where on pleasant evenings we sit (distanced) outside our houses and have wine. Nanny also knows my partner/art director extraordinaire Elle Bellwood from her Harpenden roots which was fun to know. We have a third member of our youth group whom I will go into more detail about further. Blondie is German and is Milkybar’s Mama. She is gorgeous and looks about twenty five. They have a roof terrace with a paddling pool and we are invited to go up for a glass of Prosecco and enjoy Milkybar’s paddling pool as soon as is safe to do so. They are also getting kittens on June 1st called Billie and Beatrix from Kill Bill. Ten copywriting points to you for that Blondie, nice one. I think first place I head to post lockdown is their house to see the kittens and enjoy a three year olds paddling pool. HOWEVER, CNanny mentioned she hears weird things in the house at night so I haven’t told her that it was built on the site of a chapel and cemetery and they found bones when the old owners dug out the basement. 

D and E. 

10/10 

Mother and daughter two doors up. Had genuinely never seen either one of them in my entire life until we started clapping for the NHS and I was like ?!!!!?!?! Since when is there someone else of my age in this neck of the woods?! E is the third component to the youth group and very pleasant company. Clearly athletic and the only person I know who can genuinely pull off a pair of cycling shorts. Sadly, they are leaving the street in September as the Russian owner wants to sell. Most displeased at this. 

Mr and Mrs

7/10 

In contrast to the above, I’ve seen them and vaguely known them my whole life. We have a good relationship now and I’ll happily stop and chat to them during this pandemic. Mr makes a very good poppy seeded crust on a bread and is generous with Rose wine (passed some to us when our household ran dry). Mrs I believe is half Iranian? Very lovely and they have a holiday home in south of France and a dashing god son whom cycled by on VE Day so I stared out the window. Yet they lose points for Mr sometimes posting weird things in the WhatsApp group. 

Carol Baskin and Howard

0/10 

UGH. I am a passionate anti Carol activist. She has a horrible whiny voice, hasn’t changed her wardrobe since the eighties and is the ultimate dictator of the local area. She won’t let ANYTHING change. I’m all up for preserving history but honey these houses were built in the 70’s after a Royal Mail depot fire so putting in a basement isn’t exactly erasing hundreds of years of treasured history. Get over yourself. Whenever she comes to the door to complain about something in the neighbourhood she refuses to speak to me and asks for my parents who rapidly hand signal to me that they aren’t there. We’ve had to come up with a code system to avoid many awkward encounters. Howard is her spineless husband who sucks too. I mean, a local botanical garden wanted to host dinners with some live music on weekends in the summer up till ten pm and she lost her shit at that. You’re ridiculous. Burn in hell. 

Old man and his dog

3/10 

One up from D and E and one down from Carol, Old man let my boyfriend use his garage space which was nice. However his terrier Tiggy yaps constantly and is not very friendly. He also does not understand the concept of private messaging on WhatsApp so bears all within the group chat. I also think he may be slightly racist and anti woman and DEFINITELY Tory (as I suspect Mr is too). Not a fan really. He has a sob story about his late wife but also someone told me he’s gay. Confused which is the truth. 

Mr Scrumpchie and family (this actually isn’t even a code name lol).

10/10 

Moved in around the same time as B and co. Such fun loving people finally. Parents and their year old baby daughter. They sent me flowers and chocolates on my lockdown birthday and always try to pay me for walking their yorkie-poo Mr Scrumpchie but alas I won’t accept tenure. The honest truth of the matter is that I’m far too lazy to walk of my own accord but if I know he needs to be taken out then I’ll happily conquer a good 4/5 miles. He’s good company and very loving aside from he actively hates other dogs and will attack them. But he thinks I’m the bees knees so all is well. I like them alot. 

Viper and Rattle

6/10 

Also blocked us from putting a basement in the street. Back stabbing bitches. They’re super duper friendly and peppy to our faces and then WHAM, knife in the back. I think they wished me a happy birthday though so their score can be a 6. 

Baldilocks

4/10 

Next door neighbour. 4/5 now adult daughters all having babies of their own and bringing them to the house to stay for a while when they are born. I don’t mind that at all, Mum and I bought grand baby 1 and then the twin boys cute little outfits. However I don’t understand why you would want to bring them to that house because it looks like a hoarding situation. His wife X now lives in the countryside full time and I think he is far more normal than her to say the least. Once he came over for a Christmas drinks party and was sociable but has retreated back into the shell since then. Boo, Baldilocks you must have had some sense of humour and fun to raise all those women. 

Ginger Rogers 

8/10 

Oh God I felt so bad, I passed her in the street the other day and we spoke for the first time. She’d ran into my Mum who told her that I’d had corona and had recovered. Her Mother got it and sadly passed away, she told me she was glad that I got better and I felt so weirdly guilty cause my experience of it was just like having a slight hangover for four or five days. I made sure to extend sympathies about her Mother and that I hoped she enjoyed her “Smooth” dance class on Zoom. Shall chat to her more often I think. 

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