By Nicholas Kugge

 

Tesco Parade

 

Today, I’ve been shopping at Tesco – how exciting. As I was hesitating between a pack of Shreddies and a jumbo pack of Cheerios, my mind started to drift away from the cereal ale to slowly focus on people’s behaviours. After two hours of stalking, here is a non-exhaustive list of the different shoppers I came across.

 

Don Draper Junior

D D Jr: “Mum can I have these cookies?”

Mother: “No.”

D D Jr: “Please!”

Mother: “Why?”

D D Jr: “They’re on sale and [reading the packaging] they’re low on sugar.”

Mother: [Sigh]

D D Jr: “And because I just like them.”

Mother: [Puts the cookies in the trolley]

 

The OCD Kid

Staring at this empty space between two Nutella jars is particularly painful for him. His mission is to grab this forgotten jar from 2010 at the back of the shelf and close this gap.

 

The OCD Kid part II

He doesn’t understand the meaning of “touching with one’s eyes”. Hence, he touches every single item asking his parents their utility. Let’s hope they don’t pass by the condom ale.

 

The Sniper

He can spot any peculiar product in this clutter. His speciality – identifying items placed on the wrong ale by previous customers. Mhmm, I wonder what this cucumber is doing here?

 

S.M.P (The Single Minded Purchase)

It’s 4:37 pm, he has one clear goal – buying this pack of all butter croissants and getting out ASAP.

 

The Maniac

He effortlessly reads every label; looking for the Kcal, % and saturated fat, etc.

 

The Pro

He has a list. He doesn’t make any impulsive purchase; even the pistachio-chocolate on sales doesn’t stop him.

 

The Yellow Label Seeker

Obsessed with discounts, he only sees these bright price-tags; searches for the “Exclusive Sales”, “2 for 1” and “50% off”.

 

The Spy

He struggles to make his own choices. He’ll wait for someone else to pick a similar product and replicate the same purchase.

 

The Model

She runs down the ale as if she walks the catwalk. Everyone stares at her with envy before remembering she cannot eat half of what’s in the store.

 

The Loud Foreigner

He has forgotten that UK – still – accepts foreigners within its borders, who might understand every single word of his conversation.

 

The Heavy-Weight

Why using a basket when you can carry items in your arms and lose some extra calories?

 

All characters and events in this story are REAL. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is NOT purely coincidental.