Things my cats do.

It’s one in the morning. The morning of the D&AD deadline. My thoughts are mush mixed with Monster, my boyfriend lies beside me snoring softly. And I must write a SCAB.

Well, as my partner knows only too well, in lockdown my life is 90% cat. So why not bring them to this curious piece of the internet Marc Lewis calls his own.

First up, we have the OG First Lady, rabbit killer, mole eater, chair savager and all round legend, Lily.

She is slightly terrifying. Both in figure and in spirit. She has one chair which sends her into fits of rage whenever she sits in it. Touch her tummy and she will disembowl you. But she did fall off the banisters when she was very small, and we’re not sure she’s ever been the same since.

Strangely, whilst she does hate us intensely, Lily also loves to be around humans. She likes to find you. Lump on you. And glare furiously when you touch her. She also likes to be cradled like a baby, and to lie on her back with her belly in the air. She doesn’t not like you touching it. In the past week Lily has brought in one live rabbit, one headless rabbit, and one baby bird. Handy if the supermarket queues get much longer. 8/10

Number two on the list is Little My. So named after the Moomins. My is a chunky little lady, who spends most of her life in the sock draw. Put your face too close to hers and she’ll slap you. She’s not mad about people but she does like her bum being scratched.

Once every three weeks or so she’ll suddenly crave human company and come out the sock draw for about 5 minutes of intense cuddles. She’s never caught anything and she can’t meow. Just sort of squeals. But those moments of affection ARE rewarding, and sometimes she puts her bum infront of the masterclass. 9/10

And last but not least we have Snuffkin. Also named after the moomins and Little My’s skinnier sister. Also unable to meow. More of a chirruper. Once brought back a mouse but we’re pretty sure she just found it. Sometimes eats Lily’s left over rabbit parts.

Snuffkin hates cuddles but she does love football, and stealing toys from the children next door. She quite likes to be nearby when I’m working, and often sneezes on my face when I lie down after a pitch. Least popular with the rest of the house but a strong favourite over here. 12/10