I have this recurring dream at the minute where I get in a fight and for whatever reason my opponent lets me pick three mates to help out against their three mates before we start.

I’ve weighed up which of my SCA classmates and mentors would be handy in a fight if shit kicked off outside the Market House one night.

This is part one. Part two is in the works for next time.

Let me know if you think I’ve judged your fighting skills right or not.

Here we go.

Dean

Dean would be pokey in a scrap. He’d fight dirty and use all of his pointy bits. Like a cornered Glaswegian crack addict trying to get away from his debt collecting dealer. All elbows.

Alysha

She’d bake some brownies laced with arsenic and offer them up in mock surrender. Sneaky.

Maddy

Absolutely lethal with a knife. As long as the fight doesn’t last more than 6 seconds as she’d run out of breath and keel over.

Vic

That’s easy. Just imply that you’re going to give her food and then at the last minute take it away again. Watch unhinged rage ensue.

Antonio

He wouldn’t actually have to fight. He’d get all Italian and hand-gesturey with you and you’d shit yourself.

Ruby

Give him his cricket bat and he’d go Sean of the Dead on his opponent.

Charles

I imagine him stripping down to his pants and neatly folding his garms before starting. I’m not sure how he’d fight. Depends how many lagers deep he is.

Marta

Don’t mess. She’ll kill you twice before breakfast for sure.

Tom

I’ve been thinking about it and to be honest I reckon he’s soft as shite. He’d be pretty useless unless I picked him up and threw him.

Forrest

LOL

Joe C

This guy is a ninja. He’d disorientate you with fat clouds then sneak up behind you and end it.

Ian

I’ve heard he’s absolutely lethal but he only fights on the grid. He’s basically a Rook in chess.

Phil

“Articulatory agility is a desirable ability. Manipulating, with dexterity, the lips, the teeth and the tip of the tongue.”

*Opponent walks away scratching head.*

Joe F

I rate Joe. He’s played rugby and lacrosse. As long as we’re fighting posh boys we’ll be fine.

Alex Taylor (boy)

No need for a scrap. He’d just hurt his opponent’s feelings with sarcasm.

Alex Taylor (girl)

You’ve all heard about that blind art director right? He wasn’t always blind. That’s what happens when you give a Geordie curry sauce instead of gravy with her chips.

Karolina

Would turn up to fight even if I didn’t ask her to.

Gemina

You would not fuck with this lady. She would just have to stare at you and you’d back off.

Rachel

She would say something so dirty, so utterly vile that her opponent would be too busy trying not to throw up to actually fight you.

Max

I back Max to be fearless. You don’t get good at skating without breaking a few bones on the way.

Tarun

He’d speak poetry so eloquent he’d tie his opponent in knots.

DJ

He’d come at you doing the robot with a build up so long and drawn out you’d wonder what was going to happen. Then, when he was within an inch of you, he’d boop you on the nose. Boop.

Alex B

Canadians are all outdoorsy. She’d start a fire then set a bear on you.

Coco

Would probably get her teeth knocked out.

Joe Rib

Can’t fight for toffee.

Dan

Can’t fight for tofu.

Jacob

Concerned he’d be worried about his hair. Wouldn’t be high up my list.

~~~

Part 2

Holly

Does improv now. Would MacGyver herself a lethal fighting device and make short work of anyone who came at her.

Sophie

I just can’t see it Soph. I’m really not sure I’d back you. But neither would the opposition. And that’s when you’ll strike.

Mary

An absolute fuck-nugget. Probably the most dangerous person at SCA.

Leli

In English we say “ambulance”. In Spain they say “ambulancia”. In Italy they say “ambulanza”. In Austria they say “KRANKENWAGEN!”

Would you mess with that? Achtung, people. Achtung.

Josie

Strong. Nearly knocked me over in a pitch once and that takes some doing. Would absolutely know how to handle herself.

Lauren

Would probably immobilise herself laughing.

Aleks

If her compatriot Zinedine is anything to go by she’d probably head-butt you in the chest just for looking at her.

Zoe

I feel like Zoe would fight how Phoebe from Friends runs. Not sure if that’s an asset or a curse.

Jemma

Good fighter but only if the floor’s dry.

Saphire

Would wrap opponents up in bars. Her internal-rhyming timing licking shots on all assailants, evading all surveillance as she slinked, in black, through shadows cause she hasn’t got the patience. To stick around for thanks.

Marc

Invalid with a stick. Like a shit, blue haired Gandalf.

Mike

Would sit opponent down and talk to them about life choices. They’d leave feeling so optimistic that they’d forget what they were ever angry about.

Dusty

Is it really a fight if it doesn’t have a key line?

Rob Mac

He’d film it. Would probably be shit fight but he’s such a wizard in post-production that it would look like Saving Private Ryan by the time he’d finished.

Marcia

If you can keep your head at 9.27am on a book inspection day when the printer packs in then you probably won’t be much help when I need you to get angry.

Max

If the state of the studio continues to nosedive I’m not sure there’ll be any need to speculate on how good she’d be in a fight. We’ll get the real thing.

Vikki

If her Twitter is anything to go by she wouldn’t hold back.

Chris

He’d pun his way out of a fight.

Caroline

Would hear Chris’ punning and start running.

Squirrel

Bark bark bark. Startle startle. Bark bark.