Worried – By @gabygrant_


When I was 16 I went on a month long tour of Israel. These tours are very common within the Jewish community as it gives young adults a chance to connect with their heritage. On this tour I experienced one of my first panic attacks. It felt like it went on for three days with a constant feeling of anxiety. I had never experienced these feelings before and I had no idea what had brought them on. Because I didn’t know the root of this anxiety it was difficult to make these feelings go away. I felt like I would feel like this forever. 

One of the tour counsellors, seeing that I was struggling, took me to one side to have a chat. She made me do an exercise where you write down a list of everything you feel worried about however big and seemingly unsolvable or however small and insignificant. The idea was to write everything down and then talk through solutions for each of these problems. 

This exercise made my anxiety feel compartmentalised and consequently more manageable. Slowly my anxiety started to dissipate and to this day I am addicted to making lists and crossing off each task once it has been resolved. Although I am not in the middle of a three day panic attack or suffering from extreme bouts of anxiety, I am going to make a list of everything I am worried about beginning my studies at SCA. This list will help me to confront my worries and face them head on. The solutions to some of these worries may be apparent now and other solutions I may need to find later on. Some of the worries might not need solutions as they won’t be realized and others might not have a solution. So here goes… 

I am worried about: 

– Finding the course so hard I drop out – Not having time to spend with my boyfriend and it affecting our relationship, made worse by him living in Edinburgh

– Not having time to be with my friends and feeling left out or/and them getting frustrated with me

– Feeling like an imposter

– Thinking I got into the course by fluke and not actually having the right skills to complete it

– Not coming up with any ideas or only coming up with bad/boring ones

– Clicking with my cohort

– Working from home if we go back into lockdown and not having a comfortable space to work in.

– Working from home and not being able to concentrate and being distracted by my family, dogs, the postman, my bed.

– Being Stressed

– Being tired

– Going to Brixton (I am a North London girl), Brixton tube station scares me

– The commute

– Not being able to go out and party

– Going into lockdown and not be able to form proper friendships 

– Thinking that I am now going into my professional life and have to be serious and boring forever

– Losing my artsy, liberal attitude to life and becoming really corporate

– Having to abide by someone else’s rules/losing my freedom – Becoming successful and losing sight of who I am

– Start smoking again

– Not being sure

– Disappointing my Dad 

I advise you all to do make more lists. They help me so they might help you. 

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