A VISION OF 2020 – By @Mr_Shankly
By Alex Morris
A VISION OF 2020
Embargoed Press Release
In the midst of a feverish dream, as I fought what could have been the first recorded UK case of the coronavirus last week, but was eventually downgraded to a life threatening bout of man flu, I was visited by the soothsaying spectre of Squirrel.
‘Pay heed,’ she barked, ‘For I will hereby correctly predict all the ongoings in advertising this year. But definitely, 100%, do not do a SCAB on it’.
So here’s what she revealed to me. The contents of this SCAB are embargoed until the next issue of Campaign comes out, so keep it hush.
11 THINGS SQUIRREL DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE OF ADVERTISING
- Buzz-feed style ’10 things we can learn about xxxx’ continues to be unfathomably popular, and link spheres of knowledge that have no right to interact (For example, ’10 THINGS MARKETEERS CAN LEARN ABOUT HOWO TO GO VIRAL FROM THE CORONOVIRUS OUTBREAK).
- Collaborations get even more bat shit crazy. 2019 saw the condiment and confectionary love-
in that exactly no one was waiting for, Heinz Mayonnaise & Creme Egg. What next for 2020? Durex x Crocs? IKEA x Greta Thunberg? Ronseal x The Conservative Party?
- Burger King gets so Meta that it parodies a parody of their ad parodying McDonalds – an ad made by the most diverse AI robot yet, fuelled purely by CBD, which can only be viewed by standing on your head on the blockchain. It takes home 25 Cannes Lions, but sales plumet after a customer’s head is vaporised trying to work out a) who the ad is for and b) what they should buy having seen it.
- ‘John Lewis & Partners’ renames itself ‘Joan Lewis & Partners’ on International Women’s Day.
The tweet announcing this will get 17 likes and 567 comments. 400 of these are from Lawrence Fox.
- Dulux Paints releases a series of podcasts on toxic masculinity, hosted by the Dulux Dog
- The smallest category of influencer yet is discovered at the abandoned site of Fyre Fest. This
so called ‘zepto’ influencer (3 categories smaller than a nano-influencer) have a maximum of 3 followers, but boast engagement rates of 994% amongst these 3 followers.
- Her Majesty opens a Tik-Tok account. Her account is removed within hours after Prince
Andrew is discovered trying to pick up underage girls in the comments.
- Attention spans in 2020 are officially diagnosed as 3 seconds. No one reads the article for
long enough to register this, so things continue as they were.
- A Twitter user discovers that its Threads can be stitched together to form Twitter Clothes. Piers Morgan is predictably outraged and this general neutral liberal Twiterrati conspiracy.
- The definitive 2020 consumer journey is plotted on a tapestry which stretches from Southwold
- Fuming from the Tik-Tok ban, the Queen converts all her swans into a new media channel.
And in a puff of smoke and stray dog hair, Squirrel was gone to chase Oliver’s tennis ball.
Pay heed dear SCABBER x