Ability is confidence 

I’ve struggled. Not in the sense of personal empowerment or finding my next meal but the understanding of advertising and the growth in my ability. Confidence is everything in this game and without realising it I slipped into a whirlpool of doubt within my own ability.

I’m good with words, I’m supposed to be if I’ve chosen a path that monetises my aptitude for putting letters in the correct place, for the sole purpose of maximising the potency in sentiment of the message. I thought that I had this innate talent fine tuned to perfection – I was wrong, so wrong. 

I found this year tough on my mind and ultimately my wellbeing. I was trying to navigate a new world with nothing but my experience. My past was poetry and playwriting but this future of SMPs, tag lines that encapsulate an overarching thought and the mysterious inner workings of adobe, were complex for me.  

People kept saying just keep going and it will eventually click, that moment of complete understanding will hit me like a silver bullet in my heart. So, I prodded along, hoping to realise my potential. However, my confidence weakened as the weeks past, each piece of work proved that I wasn’t capable of getting it. My book scores only cemented my deep worry that I wasn’t cut out for the job and I chose the wrong path. This bout of negativity ran through my being and I succumbed to my mediocrity. 

It all built up and my implosion was imminent. It came halfway through term 2 on a Friday. The end of the week was always hard for me, showcasing our 2 week projects never filled me with joy. My work was bad and no matter who I was partnered with, I seemed to bring the work down to a level reserved by Jimmy Savile. I made a pile of shit, everyone saw and I was mortified. It struck my heart, I questioned all my decisions and thought this was it. I went to a dark place that not even my wonderful girlfriend could get me out of. I was trapped in a prison of expectations and insecurities. 

I’d had enough. 

I’d had enough of feeling worthless, enough of not getting things right, enough of comparing myself to a myriad of incredible talent around me. 

I went to Marc and I sought help.

This was the epicentre of my turning point. I left his office with wisdom and a gratitude journal. I chose this path and I was determined to succeed. Something had to change. I picked up the phone and booked myself into therapy, I went to the doctor and they gave me pills, I confided in the people I love and they made me smile. 

I chose to work on my own for a time, I set myself goals and stuck to minute-by-minute schedules. I would use the mentors until they were sick of my 1am phone calls (joking it was 3:30am). I used the people around me who were more than willing to lend their ear to my mumblings. 

I started to get it.

I started to understand what was required of me. The doors opened, the light shined through and the silver bullet hit my chest. Adobe was demystified, SMPs were bountiful and tag lines were beautiful puzzles to solve. All I needed now was a creative partner. The Ying to my Yang, the paint to my brush, the blatant assassination to my Epstein (#hediedforthiersins). 

Well, I think my search is over.