By Alfie Souter

All or nothing?

I have taken 5 out of the 9 days of half term off. I am pretty sure it is 9 I counted a few times, seems like a weird number though. It’s going to be close to 6 with comedy. Christ I hope that goes alright. 

I think I have been scared of going overboard. The last time I truly committed to something work wise was my last year of uni. I wasn’t having a good time so I said to myself if you are not going to get what everyone else gets out uni your going to get the best possible degree. So I set about doing that. I had dreams about my dissertation. I sat in endless library rooms rambling at friends who soon learnt I should probably be left alone when working. I sat in booths staring at the wood in despair thinking I would never crack the essay. 

But much like creating ideas, one little piece of fact, one quote would lift me out of the void. It was almost addictive the insane high of finding a historian who agreed on the ridiculously niche point you ‘re making about the relationship between athletics and warfare in classical Athens. Which was the whole 10,000 words for me because that was the title of my dissertation. I became a historian on the subject. I knew everything about practically anything that had been said on the topic in the last 2,000 years. I used so much of the source material from one book I sometimes feared I would be discovered as a fraud for not trying hard enough to find the original passages. I was so knowledgeable about this topic when someone at SCA for some reason asked me about my degree I summed up my arguments in a 20 minute lecture to which they stood aghast at my nerdyness. Though they did say it was impressive I had remembered so much of my work. I remember a councillor at the time telling me that though it seemed useless all the knowledge would be the foundation on which I built myself after uni. In a way it was. I needed that first, I really needed it I needed to prove if I put my everything into something I would get the desired result back.

Now this leaves me in a predicament because I am gliding at the moment. Whilst a couple teams fly I glide with the rest, resembling a bored pigeon. I want to fly, fly so close to the sun that only its heat can clip my arrogance. But I glide aimlessly towards the finish. And as I said it’s because I am scared. I don’t want every waking and sleeping moment to be about SCA, advertising, my rifle, Marc’s voice in my head berating me for not doing meditation or gratitude today etc… I don’t know how to have the balance. All I know is how to go to the extreme, work harder than anyone at the extreme cost to my mental and physical health or I can glide. Why does everything have to be black and white? I guess it’s easier to do and see things in black and white. You can make decisions about people, places and things in an instant. There’s no debate with black and white. You should work harder. I don’t want to be too stressed. You should write SMPs. Ah I need time off. You should read D&AD’s. I haven’t watched season 2 of Narcos Mexico though?

It’s hard. It doesn’t help I can hear exactly what Marc would say in my head either. It’s all about time management, what are your smart goals today? Have you written your quadrants? What do you mean you haven’t done gratitude since SCA finished on Friday? Just split the time into 30 minute chunks? Well then you’re a snowflake. Do you really want to succeed? It doesn’t seem like you want a pencil or ECDs sneaking into your bedroom and lying there naked until you return, ready to whisper they will do anything for you to work for them. 

I don’t know the answers at the moment, I can’t figure them out in this SCAB unfortunately. I just hope I find a solution soon. One that doesn’t cause me to have another mental breakdown or let me produce work sub par the high standard I know I can produce.