Are you a commuter c*nt?

This one’s for the Brixton students (sorry, remote workers). And by Brixton students, I mean tube- and train-takers (sorry, bus wankers).

We’re into our sixth month at school now, which means that by now, we could all make the journey from home to Pop and home again more or less in our sleep. Over time, some of us might have got a bit cocky, though, looking down our noses all those less confident in their routes. Thus, you are branded among the worst of all humankind: a commuter c*nt. Don’t think that’s you? That’s what a c*nt would say. Take my quiz. And remember, how you do anything is how you do everything.

When the person in front of me is struggling to scan their card, I:

  1. feel sorry for them, and remind them they need to stand back from the gate for it to work.
  2. step back and watch, cringing internally.
  3. sigh and immediately look for the nearest free gate. Three seconds of my life, wasted.

On the way up the elevator, I:

  1. stand to the right, savouring the bliss of moving without having to do anything at all.
  2. carefully make my way down on the left, holding onto the rail so I don’t fall and feeling a little bit smug as I overtake people on the right.
  3. charge down the stairs on the left, screaming internally when the person in front stops me from reaching maximum velocity.

On the platform, I:

  1. check the platform display to see when my train is coming, and then stand and wait.
  2. meander over to the rough direction of the exit at my next stop.
  3. march over to the point that perfectly aligns with my next exit, bulldozing everything that lies between me and my goal. If a pushchair falls onto the tracks, so be it.

I get on the train:

  1. once I’m sure that everyone who needs to get off has done, after any children or elderly people. And only if there’s a good amount of space – if not, I’ll just get on the next one.
  2. wherever I can see there’s a seat. 
  3. AT. ALL. COSTS.

The moment of truth. If you got:

Mostly 1): angel. If everyone were like you, the tube might even be enjoyable.

Mostly 2): basic. You’re not bad, but you’re not good.

Mostly 3): take a wild guess.


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