Happy Birthday Marc Lewis, this is my last SCAB

Today is the 5th July. 

Marc Lewis was born on the 5th of July, according to the Google calendar event that the school’s administrative team has thoughtfully added in for us.

Not appearing on the school Google calendar is the birth of the NHS – also 5th July. The NHS is turning 75 tomorrow. Marc Lewis is a sentient cardigan which does not age.

The 5th July is also notable for being the day that Spam was first introduced to the market. Spam is a kind of email as well as a variety of tinned meat that is relatively mysterious, but not as mysterious as Marc Lewis, who has thus far not revealed the year of his birth, nor answered any of my emails asking him to confirm or deny that he hatched out of an egg. 

It is unclear whether Marc Lewis is, or has ever been tinned.

On 5th July 1841, Thomas Cook’s first package excursion took place, travelling from Leicester to Loughborough. This was when Thomas Cook was a man, not a brand. Marc Lewis is simultaneously a man and a brand. This is called the duality of mand.

The 5th July takes place most years, and on the one that took place in 1973, a boiling liquid expanding vapour explosion occured in Arizona. Known as BLEVE to its friends, this kind of event resembles Marc Lewis at a craft WIP when too many people just bring scamps. 

In 1946’s 5th July, Micheline Bernadini modeled the first modern bikini in a Paris swimming pool. If they’d replaced Micheline Bernadini with Marc Lewis on this occasion, the modern bikini likely would not have made it to Love Island. Perhaps Love Island would not even exist. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

Björn Borg won his fifth Wimbledon final in 1980 on 5th July. To the best of my knowledge, Marc Lewis has never won a Wimbledon final. The current hypothesis for his continued lack of success in this field assigns blame to the lack of aerodynamics caused by his trouser/cardigan combo. Another school of thought proposes that it’s because Marc Lewis has never entered Wimbledon. Fair enough, turns out it’s significantly more effort than Wii Sports would have us believe.

On 5th July 1996, Dolly the Sheep became the first mammal cloned from an adult cell. No one has yet attempted to clone Marc Lewis, although he would probably enjoy it. 

5th July 1962 saw the official proclamation of Algeria’s independence from France. 19th July 2023 will be the official proclamation of my independence from Marc Lewis. Please come to Portfolio Day and book to see Hope and Anna. Please.

In 1994, Jeff Bezos founded Amazon. On 5th July. The man known for forcing his labourers to work long hours with inadequate toileting facilities, Marc Lewis, was also founded on 5th July.

5th July birthdays aren’t uncommon. Marc Lewis shares his with PT Barnum, born in 1810, who had a circus. If Marc Lewis had a circus he would put it in a bunch of shipping containers in Brixton and recruit a whole bunch of freaks and call it an Ad scho– oh, wait.

Marc Lewis also shares his birthday with Edie Falco. To which the only thing to say is TOOOONYYYY.

Some people also died on 5th July, including Ferdinand of Majorca (1316). Dying is in many ways the opposite of being born, which is what happened to Marc Lewis on 5th July. Some people call dying the ‘end of the line’, which if you shorten it is ‘endline’ and that is advertising.

Cy Twombly died on 5th July, in 2011. He didn’t invent Singapore but he did invent a series of eight drawings consisting only of the word VIRGIL. I would say Marc Lewis has said the word VIRGIL less than eight times since school began, but there’s still a couple of weeks in it. 

Stamford Raffles, who did invent Singapore, died on 5th July 1826. Marc Lewis, who invented the SCA 2nd edition may well die someday too. Such is the inevitability of growing old, and the long shadow of mortality that creeps ever closer. 

Anyway. Marc. How you do any birthday is how you do every birthday. So make it a salient one. 


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