Lockdown and Houmous – A Love Story

‘Environmental monotony’ was once merely a way I’d flippantly characterise Greta Thunberg’s speeches. 

Now, tis a cruel ailment from which we all suffer as the nameless, faceless days ooze on by.

Respite from the enduring boredom of life in lockdown is rare. Mustn’t complain though, I keep reminding myself. People are dying. The economy is ruined. And I am completely fine. 

However, having scoured every inch of the square mile that encircles my home, I am now, officially, very fucking bored. 

So, to mix things up, I’m taking pop up Middle Eastern brunches – which I used to run as events – to the doorsteps of Britain. To the masses. 

By the masses, I mean up to 50 people in the North West London area.

Starting next weekend, I, along with my partner in crime Mr DJ Ari Houmous will deliver brunch packages to homes across London.

We’ll raise money for the NHS what I hope will be a moment of joy in the lives of families and friends whom we haven’t been able to see as regularly of late. 

As part of these deliveries, we’re trialling a Houmous Tasting Concept. ‘Houmous’, ‘tasting’ and ‘concept’ have all had their first letter capitalised, so as to give off the illusion that this is an established idea rather than a hypo ethical abstraction – in reality, skirting the line of self deprecation and self consciousness, it is somewhere in between the two. 

Here’s how it’ll work. 

Each package will have amongst its contents 5 small pots of Houmous – each inspired by a person, story or a region of the world. 

An overdue SCAB seemed the opportune moment to try out a few different ones to be included in the Houmous’ accompanying tasting notes. 

1. Limonana – A nod to Sicilian traditionalism, this smooth, creamy blend fires bursts of wild Italian infusions across the palette. An Amalfi lemon zest and olive oil drizzle top what is an especially refreshing dip. 
2. Shakira, Shakira – Spicy, exotic and full of 90s gumption, this thick melee flits across the senses like an irate badger. Reported to have temporarily blinded lesser men and very much like her hips, these chickpeas absolutely do not lie. 
3. Herbie – Coriander, parsley and an assortment of other garden herbs mixed finely into a robust yet layered consistency. Best served with tehini and a strong sense of self-belief. 
4. Lavender – “Subtle, fragrant and kind of weird.” – my brother
5. Dwayne ’The Chickpea’ Johnson – Pungent beyond human comprehension and filled to the brim with diva-like sass, this particular dip is not for the faint-hearted. A teaspoon of this will send you spiralling around the most emotionally significant events of your past before leaving you motionless, gasping for air, yet somehow begging for more. 

These are very much in their trial phase, but we are thoroughly looking forward to sampling our Middle Eastern treats. Stay tuned for updates. 

However, if you didn’t thoroughly enjoy this one, I really don’t recommend you returning for part 2.