“So you’re a comedian are you? Go on then, make me laugh”

This message popped up in my slack channel the other day. From my friend Jess. She thinks i’m funny (or she really really hates me) and wanted a plus one for a 6 week course that we have been gifted at The Comedy School.

Now. Full disclaimer: I have never. Never ever considered myself a funny guy. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.

Ever

But now, after re-telling a couple of stories. I’ve been roped into this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely going to throw myself into it. And im cacking my pants at the prospect of it. But that’s exactly why I’m going to do it! I’ve always wanted to. I’ve always wanted to experience it and push myself a little so why not. 

In celebration of that and in preparation I need to get the crap ones out of my system. Thanks Oscar for the inspiration!) So if you’re after a series of funny jokes that make you laugh and make you think… Then you’re most definitely in the wrong place

Just a quick side note: As you will quickly notice my humour is really simple. I love a dad joke, the cheesier the better. There’s a joke my dad used to tell my brothers and I. Maybe you’ll read it down below. But that’s where my humour comes from.

So you have been warned. Here’s as many bad jokes as I can think of until I get to the word limit. Stop reading here if you want jokes that’ll make you laugh…

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Still here? I did warn you

Q: How many french central midfielders do Real Madrid need? 

A: 1 tchouaméni if you ask me. 

Q: What do you call a man with no shins?

A: Toe-knee

Q: What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? 

A: HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

Q: I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

A: Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

Q: Why did the baker have brown hands: 

A: Because he kneaded a poo

Q: Knock Knock….

“Who’s there?”

“Nana”

“Nana who?”

“Nana yo business!

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

A: An IN-VESTI-Gator

Q: I told my friend I liked Beyonce.

He said: “Cool, Whatever floats your boat”

I said “No that’s buoyancy”

Q: Why did the chicken hit the gym?

A: To work on his pecks. 

This next one is my Dad’s favourite. He would tell it all the time when we were growing up. I mean it. Every time he knocked on a door. He’d announce his arrival with the same joke. And it goes like this: 

Nabeel’s Dad: Knock, knock.

Nabeel: Who’s there?

Nabeel’s Dad: Cows go.

Nabeel: Cows go, who?

Nabeel’s Dad: No you idiot — cows go moo!

I think that’s enough of a barrage. I’ll wrap it up there. I feel like I’ve gotten some pretty terrible jokes out of the system and as such am now fully prepared to make a fool of myself and tell my stories to other people and hopefully they’ll laugh.

Got any bad jokes? Send them my way! 

Hi Mum! Hope you enjoyed the jokes

@nabeel13arif