Recipe for a Rob

One of my favourite hobbies is people watching. I really bloody love it. Nothing better than a good stare. Never stick me on the chair facing the wall at a restaurant, I’ll be fuming. And I won’t listen to a word you’re saying. I don’t mean to be rude, I just love watching people, and restaurants provide an amazing context for the study of our fellow man. I have to make up stories for the other people because it bugs me to not understand them (that old boy sitting on his own isn’t lonely. Margaret just has book club on Wednesdays so Derek takes himself for a steak and two pints of Guinness and, like me, he’s happy looking around, looking at people). We’re all just looking at people, longing to understand them.

But I NEED to understand people. I’m not a creep or anything, and I know when to stop staring, but I need to understand you. Who are you? What makes you tick? What makes you smile? What are you thinking right now?

Problem is, people are pretty difficult to understand. We can’t just be broken down into raw ingredients and put into a methodical order instructing the reader how we’re made…can we?

Recipe for a Rob


5ft 9 (5ft 10 if you’re trying to impress) of human flesh

1 happy family

6 tbsp of white middle class privilege

45,000 GBP of student debt

A sprinkle of self-deprecation

7 bunches of sarcasm

Several passions to shape your Rob


  1. Start with your human flesh and mould it into a scrawny frame. Don’t go as far as making it lanky, because at least then he’d had the advantage of being tall. Make it scrawny but only average height. Hey presto, you’ve got your base.
  2. Shape your Rob using some of your chosen passions. For this Rob, we’ll go with a love of music, sport and cooking. These will really come in handy if your mixture starts to feel rough.
  3. Add your white middle class privilege to the base. Actually don’t bother – he grew up in rural England – it’s already there.
  4.  Put your 1 happy family in a bowl and let it rest for 24 years. You’ll come back to this later.
  5. Pour in the £45,000 of student debt, then shove it up your arse because there’s no chance he’ll ever be able to pay it back.
  6. Slowly fold in the 7 bunches of sarcasm and sprinkle of self-deprecation. He’ll use these throughout his life as a means to make people laugh and become more comfortable with himself. If they’re laughing with him they can’t be laughing at him. RIGHT?!
  7. Now, back to your happy family. Grab a whisk and just beat the shit out of it for a while. This may cause sudden changes to the mentality of your Rob and his outlook on life, but that’s normal don’t worry.
  8. Remember at this stage to keep topping up your passions. They’ll make sure your Rob doesn’t crumble.
  9. Stick him in a pan, fry for a few minutes ( there’s barely any meat on the bone so it won’t take long).
  10. Let your Rob cool, sometimes he needs some time to himself. The final texture should be smooth on the outside, tough on the inside, with a few layers to him and a big pointy nose. But I don’t need to tell you that, you could see the nose coming a mile away.

Buon appetito!


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