SCAB written from the perspective of the temperature gun

A new day at SCA! And what a fantastic day it is to be a temperature gun. Doesn’t get much better than this, I’ll say. Every single day I get to wake up and do the job I was designed to do- check peoples’ temperatures! 

Oh, my goodness gracious me, I can hear the door to SCA beginning to open. That must mean the first arrivals of the day and the impending morning rush! Usually its Marcia or Amy. I do so love those two. They always bring the best out in me. Let me tell you, as a gun whose express purpose it is to check peoples’ temperatures, I sure do feel well valued when put to as much use, as those two put me! 

Some other temperature gauges, like those tricksy thermometers for example, often ask me “Hey temperature gun! Wouldn’t you prefer working in a hospital or something? Wouldn’t you get to check peoples’ temperatures ALL DAY LONG, like we do?” And I say to those tricksy thermometers- “Nope I do not! I love working in a place of education. I feel like I’m part of the staff, and crucial, CRUCIAL to the continued success of the school. People need me here. They need to know that their temperatures aren’t above 37 degrees, because if they were, then by JOE, they wouldn’t be able to come into school. As they would be too hot. And its only a contactless gun, such as I, who can provide that service for them. Because it wouldn’t be any good everyone sticking dirty, tricksy thermometers into their mouths every morning. Everyone would get all dirty and Covidy if they did that! No, I’m needed here. I am crucial!” Let me tell you, those tricksy thermometers back right off when I tell them that. Because they know that they couldn’t do what I do. Only I can do this job. 

It is Marcia and Amy after all. Here to open the school. Gosh I am so excited. But not half excited as I am when finally, having set up the chairs in the correct socially distanced places to prevent a potential Covid outbreak in the school (I mean can you imagine?), they finally pick me up to use me. For its nine o’clock, and the students will be arriving soon! 

I can hardly contain my excitement when I hear a knock on the door. That can only mean one thing! The students have arrived!

As Amy carries me over to the first student I shudder- actually shudder- this is what I was made for. This is what I was put on the earth to do. To give an accurate reading of people’s temperatures. And by golly, I will do my darndest to ensure that happens!

Amy leans in and the student’s forehead looms before me. I squint my eyes and push real hard. BEEP. God, I love that beep. 

The first temperature comes out. What is it?! WHAT IS IT?! 

34.2^oC. 

Huh. 

That cant be right. 

34.2^oC would be symptomatic of extreme hypothermia and imminent death. Oh golly! I hope they do something to help that poor, freezing person. Like wrap them in a blanket and give them a hot cup of cocoa. But no. What’s this? Everyone is laughing. No one seems to be calling an ambulance at all. They all seem perfectly happy. HOW CAN THEY BE HAPPY!? This poor snowman is freezing to death and everyone is pretending like nothing is wrong!!! And what’s this? I’m getting forced towards a second student! But why? Surely, we should take care of that poor freezing pile of icicles that just walked in to school before taking more temperature readings? Another forehead looms before me and I wince. BEEP. 

What is it?

35.2^oC. 

Oh lord! Another snowman! How cold is it outside?! What is wrong with all these people? Do they all live in a giant refrigerator? Why are they so cold? Get them some blankets for Chrissakes! But no one is moving. No one is panicking. Instead I’m being thrust towards a third student! This is madness! We have two cases of extreme hypothermia and no one is doing anything about it! The third forehead presents itself. I can hardly bare to look. BEEP. 

32.7^oC.

The worst one so far. And I am rocked to my core. Perhaps, I think to myself, the students aren’t freezing? Perhaps there’s something wrong with ME? Surely that’s impossible. I was specially designed to give fool-proof readings of peoples’ temperatures. What would the use of me be, if not to provide an accurate reading? If they didn’t trust me, why would I still be used? A fourth forehead comes my way. BEEP

Before the reading comes, I know what it will say. 

34.9^oC

I have failed. Failed them all.