Sticky Nuptials – By @chlo_gray
By Chloe Gray
Sticky Nuptials
It’s the eve of your wedding. Outside are the perfectly manicured grounds of the country manor you’ll be married in tomorrow. It’s peaceful here; the song of the nightingale and the faraway flowing of a stream are the only sounds that drift in through the window. You feel worlds apart from the chaos of London. Your hotel suite for the weekend is elegant – vintage furniture and tasteful art. This venue didn’t come cheap, but you both work hard and deserve the luxury.
The oak door of the bathroom opens and your betrothed walks out, hair dripping wet from the shower. Your eyes meet, and you’re dizzied by the same caffeinated giddiness you felt the day your souls first crossed paths. The last few years haven’t been all smooth sailing, but each time the waters were rough, the two of you surfaced stronger than before. You know that together you could weather any storm. There was never any doubt that this was the person you would spend a lifetime with. You think of your sweet daughter Tessie, and marvel at how adopting her last year brought you closer to each other than you ever could have pictured.
Night falls and you retire to bed. Nervous anticipation of the morrow halts your slumber for a while, but soon enough you’re lulled to sleep. When morning arrives, you go your separate ways to prepare for the ceremony, parting with a tender kiss. Your best friends gather to make sure you look your best and give kind words of support. Their excitement almost matches yours.
In the ceremony hall, your favourite Eva Cassidy song plays, and, at long last, you see your better half – a radiant embodiment of love. You finally understand what it means to be rich. Your eyes fill with tears; for years you thought you would never find this sense of belonging.
The celebrant stands in front of you both and welcomes your guests. She says she would like to begin the ceremony with a short video. You don’t recall hearing about this in the itinerary, it must be a surprise. Your sweetheart loves to surprise you.
A screen descends from the ceiling. The video plays. At first you can’t quite make out what is happening. The flickering screen shows what looks to be the top of a lightbulb. Meditation music plays in the background. Confused, you look at the love of your life, but are met with a reassuring smile. After 30 seconds, a squeezy bottle of honey emerges in slow motion, nozzle first, from the bottom right corner. With the addition of trickling water sound effects, honey drizzles onto the lightbulb. You’re a fan of the abstract, but you can’t see where your fiancée is going with this.
An explosive bang and the lightbulb turns on. The tranquil music that has begun to sound unsettling plays for another half a minute, then appears a black screen that reads “STICKY TEST EVERY IDEA!”
What does this mean?
“THIS IS 5 YEARS AND 8 MONTHS THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK.” Reads the final line before the video ends.
Your partner, your daughter, the celebrant, each of your wedding guests are actors.
This has all been an elaborate stunt for something called a ‘reflection slide’ by a man named Dean Shein.
You are heartbroken, disoriented, impressed.
