SCABs

The comedian in front of an empty room  – By @helenapelsmae

By Helena Pelsmaekers

 

The comedian in front of an empty room 

I finally became honest with myself about the cause of my procrastination. Spoiler: it’s not time management (what I kept telling myself), it’s self hatred. Or maybe it’s both. On the one hand we have to read the books, which I keep postponing because of time shortage (with work). On the other hand we have the passion project where I worked out an idea, from concept to design. I was all set, but I hated it. The longer I worked on it, the more I began to detest it. I procrastinated just because of the resentment and because I couldn’t see myself doing the project anymore. And at one point I just had to decide whether or not to keep going: hoping that eventually I would be proud of it, or start all over again with another idea I liked and ending up in the same vicious spiral of self hatred. It seems like I initially like an idea, but it loses its magic in my eyes and I lose sight of judgement whether it’s still a good idea or not. 

And so I changed the concept of my passion project. And at that moment I didn’t have a lot of time left to become insecure about my new project so I forced myself to stuck with it, but I also really enjoyed doing it. And I am glad I followed my gut. (For now at least, I will still be keeping my eyes shut when they show it on the first days). 

The passion project is not the first self hate problem I came across while preparing for SCA. When I read the instructions on how to hand in our scholarship entry, I freaked out. I have to post it on Twitter for everyone to see it?? Can’t I just email it? So I waited until 15 minutes before deadline in the hope that by then no one would be scrolling through that hashtag anymore. I even used an account I once made for a schoolproject to post it. I know, it’s really bad. I think that’s also the reason I ended up top 5 but not winning a scholarship. I didn’t share my work with the world. Even friends still don’t have a clue about what I eventually did.

This is my habit I really have to keep working on. I like to compare it to a comedian in front of an empty room. I like keeping ideas to myself, afraid of showing bad stuff and making a fool of myself for even thinking there is a small part that could be good.

But the fact that they focus on failing at SCA helps me ease my mind. I’m allowed to make mistakes. And to end this in a cheesy way, the biggest enemy you can have really is yourself.

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