By Daniel Johnson

 

The Inescapable Destiny Of Alfie Souter

 

The following events and characters are based on a true story but have been embellished for comedic purposes:

 

Last night SCA old and new gathered at the beloved craignair road.

 

This small gathering was set to be a passing of the guard. Ushering KRACK students into the residence. 

 

Drinks flowed, gossip whispered and music was mixed. Twas good times until someone mentioned something about star signs. 

 

And Alfie’s eyes glazed over red like the stain glass windows of a satanic church. 

 

He then launched into a feral unintelligible diatribe on the topic. 

 

As half the room froze, the other half attempted to bring him back to sanity, calling his name: 

 

Alfie 

 

Alfie

 

Alfie

 

Like a group of preachers trying to exorcise a demon from his body. 

 

Tiss not until Alice bestowed him with a new name that the rage subdued:

 

Alfred

 

Lord only knows why this magic word soothed the demon but it was over. 

 

The blackout lasted only two minutes, then the topic changed and life went on. 

 

But today’s scab will confront the uncomfortable truth of that outcry.  

 

Because we all saw more than just a man lose all rational.  

 

We saw more than the vein in his neck pulsate to near breakpoint.

 

We saw a man struggling with his own insignificance, toiling with his lack of free will. 

 

We get it, the idea of fate can be scary, and hard to come to terms with. 

 

The grandiose expanse of the universe can be intimidating.

 

Leaving you feeling insignificant, small. 

 

When your feeling that way it’s only natural that instead of embracing our destinies we close off, refuting the basic facts of our world like 9-11, gravity and our horoscopes.

 

And that’s ok honey but when you’re ready, we are all here for you, to help you understand your destiny in greater detail. 

 

Because Mr Souter, the stars have great things in store for you. 

 

Now, when you are ready, here’s what we know so far, pulled from the finest star sign and horoscope publications known to man, with my own added input of course:

 

Cancer is a cardinal water sign. Represented by the crab, this oceanic crustacean seamlessly weaves between the sea and shore, representing Cancer’s ability to exist in both emotional and material realms.

 

Being born under the Crab constellation, you tend to be excessively Pessimistic, Creative, Spontaneous, and Loyal. 

 

The mere fact that you don’t believe in star signs and have concocted a miraculous set of rules in which the world works so that they can’t be real, only proves the extent of your creative pessimism my dear.

 

A Cancer will seek out adventures yet also security. Marked with inconsistency, Cancers are very unpredictable. 

 

Very unpredictable indeed, Toms face was pure shock during your star sign outburst. And Toms a fighter. 

 

For you to elicit the freeze response in a fighting man really is something Alfie, I think you owe him an apology. 

 

Most Cancers have been called psychic at some point, and with good reason—Cancer can often intuit relationships, ideas, and motivations before anyone has actually spoken.

 

That can make for challenging interactions with this sign—Cancer hates small talk, especially when it contains white lies (like saying, “How nice to see you!” when it’s clear that both parties would rather avoid each other). 

 

That’s why social gatherings can be overwhelming for Cancers. They’d much rather spend time in small groups where everyone is on the same page.

 

Look, you could be psychic for crying out loud. What more reason would anyone need to embrace their fate.

 

When we embrace who we are, we only stand to live stronger, more empowered and happy lives. 

 

So Alfred, let’s learn more about your psychic powers at the next Psychological Astrology – a sacred language meetup:

 

https://www.meetup.com/Psycho-Astrology/

 

It’s only £15 🙂